I am fucking awesome!

Today I am happy. I am joyful. I am strong. I am grateful. I am fucking awesome! It's been this way almost every day since I said I was done with alcohol! This is not how I would have EVER described myself 47 days ago or any day prior to that.

I have dinner plans 'out' tonight. It's the first one in over a month. It's out to dinner (minus one common person) with people I've never even met! And, I'm not worried at all! I can't explain how good that feels. I just have a feeling in my soul that I'll be fine!

I had alcohol in my life because I thought it made things easier. In fact it was living with alcohol that made everything so difficult. I couldn't even see it when I was in it. It's like any dysfunctional relationship. When you are in it you think "What would I ever do without them/it?!" and when you are out of it you think "How on earth did I last so long being so miserable?! I didn't even know myself!"

I seriously wish I could get everyone struggling today to understand the joy that is felt from removing alcohol from your life. The self empowerment fires and all of a sudden anything seems possible. I have never been a "doer". I've been afraid of failure my entire life. I've lived in the shadows just "existing". I made just enough effort to survive but not anymore to stand out or be noticed. My becoming a non-drinker is by far the biggest decision I've ever made. I went into it with "IF I ever drink again, it will be my choice." I was not willing to be driven by some craving, by some drug. I believed (and still do with all my heart) I'm stronger than that. And believing you are capable is half the battle in my opinion.

If you feel the itch to drink allow entertaining the IDEA or the THOUGHT of it. But not just entertaining "the one", not just the seduction of it. Force yourself to entertain the ENTIRE thing. Like 24 hours worth of this shit. Keep going beyond the first sip. If you don't feel guilt right then acknowledge you'll have more than "the one" because "Well, I am off now, might as well do it right cause who knows when I'll do this again". So more likely than not, being honest with yourself, that night turns into drunkenness. The morning after, not drinking in so long but drinking without abandon like you never gave it up (again most likely - you didn't just get on the sober train in the first because you were miserable having just "the one"),  you will have a hang over. You will feel immediate remorse, you will beat yourself up, you will think about your "day count" now going back to zero, you will feel immense shame, you will feel depressed, you will hate yourself. If you can crawl out of that (which is the hardest part in my opinion) going "forget it, it was just once" and you go right back to sober town, great but more likely than not, again, you'll have another drink that day.

Before ever taking a sip you have to really honestly ask yourself why you think the drink will make the experience of your situation any better. Is drinking ethanol, something your body considers poison, worth it? Is numbing the anxiety? Is the "fitting in"? Is the fear? Is any of it worth the self hatred you will feel after you "indulge"?

Think about it opposite now. Isn't it so much more empowering to say "No!" and reflect upon it later and say "Wow, I am fucking awesome!"

Have a great weekend everyone!

love, Codette