How will it be after my protective bubble pops?

WARNING to any readers other than myself: This is a LONG post. I didn’t realize how much I had typed but I’m keeping it all intact because well – it’s mostly for me.

So, I have to admit something. Even though I had some challenges the first two weeks of my sobriety, the ones following them up through today I was actually able to hunker down in a nice little safe protective bubble.

You see, two days after I made my commitment to my non-drinking lifestyle, I found out I had to have a hysterectomy and it was scheduled in two weeks. Even though there were some concerns for just a surgery in general, I was good with the hysterectomy itself.

What I type next might sound odd but for me, I'm not sure the universe couldn't have partnered these two things together and timed them any more impeccably. If it weren't for my booze free commitment, I believe the prep and recovery of my surgery wouldn't have went as well as they did. I know me. I would have drank right up until the day before the surgery because the surgery prep cheat says nothing about drinking abstinence except for abstaining for 24 hours in advance. (How is that even possible?) Like wise if it weren't for the surgery, I don't know that my booze free commitment would have been able to stand up to the social engagements I had those two weeks prior to surgery. I was able to use it as an "out" for the first few weeks of sobriety so I didn't really have to tell anyone I was actually quitting. And really, I think it gave me time to believe it. To believe I was capable.

Those first two weeks were also probably the busiest my social calendar had been in MONTHS. I never really like having a lot going on. And when you don't have kids you get to be selfish like that. Plus drinking at home is the budget way to drink. (oh isn't it also the slippery slope way to drink.). Between the packed social calendar, add in home and work with preparing for surgery and being off for recovery for 6 weeks - it was beyond my sort of busy.

Monday I declare to myself that I'm done with drinking. Tuesday I get a call from my doctor. Wednesday the decision was made for surgery. Friday I had an evening planned with my sister in my home. Saturday my man & I had dinner plans with another couple. Sunday morning I had breakfast plans with girlfriends (at a bar). Monday I had a "paint and sip" evening with girlfriends planned. Tuesday-Thursday were spent getting things accomplished before being off on medical leave for 6 weeks. Friday was a going away party for a dear co-worker of mine. Saturday more getting things done. Sunday Superbowl at my parents. Monday wrap up things at work. Tuesday surgery. It was nothing to sneeze at.

I feel I need to recap the events that had an impact to my new sobriety:

My evening with my sister proved a little disheartening. I didn't put up boundaries though (GREAT learning - never feel bad for speaking up for yourself even if that means "there will be no drinking at my house tonight"). She brought over beer (and she smokes pot). Her main agenda seemed to be "getting lit". Not sure if she is always like this or if it just stuck out to me because I wasn't drinking. It was really our first time getting together with no other purpose than to hang out and we were never together without alcohol even when there was a purpose.

The Saturday dinner plans with friends tumbled me around. Actually that is putting it lightly. I went into freak out angry mode. BIG TIME. I was screaming and crying to my OH "Why did I have to do this non-drinking thing now?" "Why did I have to be preparing for surgery?" "Why couldn't I be normal?" Why, why, why, why...I sunk into self pity mode in a matter of seconds. And then, somewhere inside me, I pulled myself out. It took about 30 full minutes of self talk, some deep breathing and a hot shower. I told myself I was fine. I told myself to revisit "day one" and the pain (and relief) I felt with decision I made for myself. I told myself I am normal. I told myself that these people love me no matter what. I decided I'd prepare with my coconut sparkling water and limes. And? The evening worked out. It was great conversation & many laughs were had. I enjoyed my time. It was also enlightening for two reasons. 1) It's quite interesting to watch people get intoxicated and realize you've been there and how much you don't realize. The slurring, the repeating, the heavy eye lids, etc 2) At 1:00 AM I was able to get behind the wheel and safely drive home.

By then the Sunday morning breakfast event with friends created little anxiety for whatever reason. I think the previous two evenings build up my strength. I walked in at 10:00 AM and there they were with their bloody mary's at the bar. I went and sat at the open stool next to them and ordered my club soda. I think I might have mumbled something about "yeah this no-drinking prep for the surgery blows". (Why we feel we have to down play our most life changing choice simply sucks.) A funny thing happened though, after they finished their drinks, they got soda. I'm not sure they would have done that had I also been drinking. Who knows. If I could look back and use my past to see the alternate course, it would have been several drinks, probably a couple more locations and an illegal drive home. This present course though...I ordered and ate breakfast (at the bar) and I was home by 11:30 and I felt empowered!

My Monday paint and sip...again at a bar. I did my first one a year ago and loved it. I felt I channeled my inner Bob Ross and I think I smiled for 2 days afterwards. I went and remained sober. We met early for dinner, I drank my club soda, we painted, I stayed for an "after painting drink" where I again had more club soda and then I left my friends at the bar to finish their evening with their cocktails. I thought about this one a lot and thought of all the effort that didn't have to go into the evening. Usually I would have tried to figure out how to get a ride there so I could drink drink drink and then I'd call my OH for a ride home so I'd be functioning safe.

The going away party for a co-worker. At a place where I used to spend a lot of my paycheck on drinking. I was super good going in at first. I had a small group of people I talk to regularly so I could talk and laugh with them and they weren't drinking either. But then the crowd got bigger, the place got nosier and my core group dissipated. The I was left with more time to look around and observed. There were still people there I knew by name, had worked with several years ago but I HATE small talk so I avoided them. Drinking I'm sure I would have been up in their face annoying them. Then the memories came flooding in. How many times I had been there drunk. I started wondering if I had sat in every chair in that place at some point. I started thinking about "the good ole days". I started to feel extreme anxiety. I no longer wanted to be THERE. I left. It felt amazing and empowering. Later my OH and I went out for fish at a bar. We both got soda. It was a great time. You see it wasn't the anxiety of being in a bar or being around alcohol for me that night. It was about what I hate...crowds, having it loud where you can't do small talk even if you wanted to and being in a place where the romanticizing of alcohol was sneaking around. Even though I had to admit I do need to work on my social skills I was still very proud of myself for identifying those things and not forcing too much on myself so soon.

Then the Superbowl at my parents. Had I been drinking I probably would have dreaded this more with the stress of "I shouldn't be drinking". My dad is about 6 months sober due to almost killing himself with alcohol. His condition was severe. We were even talking about hospice at one point because he couldn't talk, couldn't eat, couldn't drink, couldn't move & there was brain damage that could or could not heal - but yet he was awake. How he's recovered to probably 90% of what he was I'll never know. With all that said though I went out with some fancy expensive soda's for him, my OH and I. My mom and sister drink their champagne and whatnot. We had our visit time but we left at half time. I was so thankful to be in the "same space" as my dad for the fist time. Not just in the same room but sober too.

Then of course there was the surgery on Feb 9th and the healing that followed. I feel overwhelmed with feelings of being blessed and thankful each day. I've been reading books recommended by others in their blogs. I've really allowed myself to be in the moment and to take advantage of this time and I feel like I have.

Still to today I can honestly say I haven't had one "craving" for actual booze. I thought for sure, with my most favorite event of drinking at home and this time at home by myself for long days (with alcohol in the house even), I'd be going mad. I don't know if it's all the reading, the documentary I watched "My Name was Bette", seeing what alcohol is doing to my friends, seeing what alcohol has done to my family or just a combination of it all...whatever it's been I'm grateful. But...will it continue like this?

I have exactly 1.5 weeks left of my medical leave before this protective bubble pops. I would be lying if I didn't admit I was a little nervous thinking about going back to work. My job probably tallied the highest in my list of "reasons to drink". Then there is just going back "out there" without my "I just had surgery" excuse. I can't be niave to the fact that I'm going to be confronted with some stuff I've been able to hide/shield myself from.

I know this entry is LONG but I feel I need ALL this stuff out here for myself. I'm doing it so if I'm having a moment, where ever I am I can go to this as a reference point. So I can tell myself "See...this is how you got through the first two weeks. See this is what you learned from each challenge. You can do this." It will also remind me that I can write a post about it or I can reach out to one of the many others I have in my tool box. I can say wholeheartedly - I know I'll be ok.

love, Codette