Farewell

Where does the time go? It's been 100 days since my last post. That seems crazy! Now I know I don't have too many readers. A majority of this blogs purpose was for myself. Something to get me through the early days. Something to go back and reference if needed. Something to provide me a platform with some anonymity. Maybe even as a tool to share a bit of my story with another person, with chance that maybe it could help someone. 

For today, I'm writing because I thought there might still be a few of you checking in on me, maybe wondering if I made it, if I'm still making it. And also to say good bye. 

For anyone reading, I am still here. I am still sober. Nothing is shaking my resolve. I am no longer a consumer of alcohol and I can't explain how much I just know this in my bones.

I celebrated my 6 month milestone back on July 25th. I "came out" on Facebook that day. I typed up a blog post I suppose of sorts. I'm going to re-post what I wrote that day:

I don't post a lot these days but today is a big day for me. Today I am 6 months sober. Six f*cking fantastic months sober! I probably won't ever be able to articulate the level of gratitude I have for being in this place in my life but it IS the single BEST thing I have EVER done for myself! I look at everyone posting pictures of their kids, their pets, their homes or even their dinners with such pride or desire to share - well today this is mine!

I won't lie, it hasn't been all been sunshine and unicorns. I was scared. Scared how my life would change, how friendships may change. I've yelled, I've got angry and I've cried...a lot. Mostly though...I've just been present. I've found love for myself. I've found compassion for myself. I didn't truly understand the impact that could have on one’s life. I did not hit any "rock bottom" (thank God); I did not have any major catastrophe happen (again, thank God). And I do not label myself as an alcoholic (for reasons that are too long to list here). And you know what? I am alarmed (both with anger and sadness) that as a society we believe that is what HAS to happen before we stop ingesting this shit. I'm glad I no longer hold that belief.

I'm unable to pinpoint any one exact thing that got me here but more a series of moments and experiences that span over a decade...yes, a decade (now that I can look back clearly). I share here publicly not to fish for any kind of praise but because I KNOW there are more people like me. There are more people like me out there that sit in a dark mental place, question their drinking habits (or substance/drug of choice - alcohol is just the odd man out because it's legal and "socially acceptable"). More people like me that justify those habits (usually by comparing their use to someone else "oh well I'm not THAT bad...I mustn't have a problem"). More people like me that keep their shit together from the outside but internally...privately...are in such mental anguish most days (usually it's what drives the use to continue). More people like me that believe that in order to remove this from our lives we have to reach a moment of complete despair (but we don't). Maybe it's you, maybe it's someone you know but I promise you, there are more like me.

If it weren't for others who shared their story – how they were, how they felt, how they struggled, how they triumphed...I wouldn't be here myself. This is, in my own way, a huge thank you to those individuals. To anyone else out there that might stumble upon this and it hits somewhere inside of you - I send much love to you. Know there is another life available, it’s a beautiful one, you do deserve it and you can have it.

I adapted a motto from a sobriety blog (hipsobriety.com) the day I made my choice: “Never Question The Decision” and I don’t. For me - Six months is just the start. At 38 years old I feel like my life has finally begun! 

Out of all my posts ever on FB I got the most likes & comments on this one by far. I was told a lot of amazing things about myself that day. A good handful by people that I didn't think would even care, let alone like/comment. The outpouring of love, support and care was overwhelming. I got to own my truth of who I am to those around me and I can't even begin to tell you how amazing that was!!!

At 200 days today - I believe this will be my last post here as Clearheaded Codette. I thought in the beginning maybe I'd be one of those cool bloggers where I'd post regularly and be a resource for someone just as so many had been for me but it didn't work out that way. Who knows though...maybe some day. But I also didn't want to be like some of those blogs I've stumbled upon that leaves you wondering. Like a story without an ending. 

So for now my online friends, this is farewell. Thank you to those few that commented and supported me. So much love to all of you!! 

Cody Lynn (aka Clearheaded Codette)