Farewell

Where does the time go? It's been 100 days since my last post. That seems crazy! Now I know I don't have too many readers. A majority of this blogs purpose was for myself. Something to get me through the early days. Something to go back and reference if needed. Something to provide me a platform with some anonymity. Maybe even as a tool to share a bit of my story with another person, with chance that maybe it could help someone. 

For today, I'm writing because I thought there might still be a few of you checking in on me, maybe wondering if I made it, if I'm still making it. And also to say good bye. 

For anyone reading, I am still here. I am still sober. Nothing is shaking my resolve. I am no longer a consumer of alcohol and I can't explain how much I just know this in my bones.

I celebrated my 6 month milestone back on July 25th. I "came out" on Facebook that day. I typed up a blog post I suppose of sorts. I'm going to re-post what I wrote that day:

I don't post a lot these days but today is a big day for me. Today I am 6 months sober. Six f*cking fantastic months sober! I probably won't ever be able to articulate the level of gratitude I have for being in this place in my life but it IS the single BEST thing I have EVER done for myself! I look at everyone posting pictures of their kids, their pets, their homes or even their dinners with such pride or desire to share - well today this is mine!

I won't lie, it hasn't been all been sunshine and unicorns. I was scared. Scared how my life would change, how friendships may change. I've yelled, I've got angry and I've cried...a lot. Mostly though...I've just been present. I've found love for myself. I've found compassion for myself. I didn't truly understand the impact that could have on one’s life. I did not hit any "rock bottom" (thank God); I did not have any major catastrophe happen (again, thank God). And I do not label myself as an alcoholic (for reasons that are too long to list here). And you know what? I am alarmed (both with anger and sadness) that as a society we believe that is what HAS to happen before we stop ingesting this shit. I'm glad I no longer hold that belief.

I'm unable to pinpoint any one exact thing that got me here but more a series of moments and experiences that span over a decade...yes, a decade (now that I can look back clearly). I share here publicly not to fish for any kind of praise but because I KNOW there are more people like me. There are more people like me out there that sit in a dark mental place, question their drinking habits (or substance/drug of choice - alcohol is just the odd man out because it's legal and "socially acceptable"). More people like me that justify those habits (usually by comparing their use to someone else "oh well I'm not THAT bad...I mustn't have a problem"). More people like me that keep their shit together from the outside but internally...privately...are in such mental anguish most days (usually it's what drives the use to continue). More people like me that believe that in order to remove this from our lives we have to reach a moment of complete despair (but we don't). Maybe it's you, maybe it's someone you know but I promise you, there are more like me.

If it weren't for others who shared their story – how they were, how they felt, how they struggled, how they triumphed...I wouldn't be here myself. This is, in my own way, a huge thank you to those individuals. To anyone else out there that might stumble upon this and it hits somewhere inside of you - I send much love to you. Know there is another life available, it’s a beautiful one, you do deserve it and you can have it.

I adapted a motto from a sobriety blog (hipsobriety.com) the day I made my choice: “Never Question The Decision” and I don’t. For me - Six months is just the start. At 38 years old I feel like my life has finally begun! 

Out of all my posts ever on FB I got the most likes & comments on this one by far. I was told a lot of amazing things about myself that day. A good handful by people that I didn't think would even care, let alone like/comment. The outpouring of love, support and care was overwhelming. I got to own my truth of who I am to those around me and I can't even begin to tell you how amazing that was!!!

At 200 days today - I believe this will be my last post here as Clearheaded Codette. I thought in the beginning maybe I'd be one of those cool bloggers where I'd post regularly and be a resource for someone just as so many had been for me but it didn't work out that way. Who knows though...maybe some day. But I also didn't want to be like some of those blogs I've stumbled upon that leaves you wondering. Like a story without an ending. 

So for now my online friends, this is farewell. Thank you to those few that commented and supported me. So much love to all of you!! 

Cody Lynn (aka Clearheaded Codette)

100 Days

100 days. 100 freakin' DAYS! I clearly remember all the times just one day was an accomplishment!

Some might ask, what does 100 days sober feel like? What does it mean to be sober that long? Thing is...being sober is just a part of it.

This morning I received a text from a friend. Before I go into what the text said let me explain who this friend is. We'll call her H for the purpose of this post.

H and I went to school together and were very close from probably the age of 13-17. H was one of those people that was high energy and fun but not in the trouble making sort of way. Her mom was hip (taking us to our first Aerosmith concert), her dad was hilarious and her little brother seemed just normal and we were never annoyed by him. Her parents got along which for me was odd to see and she (and her family) provided me escape from my dysfunctional home life.

One day I decided to be an idiot troubled teenager and pick up on and give into advances made by a boy. A boy she liked? She was dating? Was he an ex? I sadly don't have an accurate account. She found out however and stopped speaking to me. Was awful to me. Very vengeful and spiteful and even if I would have wanted to 'make it right' I did not have that power. Once H had her mind made up, that was it.

We graduated High School 20 years ago not speaking. It wasn't until about 5 years ago, through a mutual friend, that I found out she's still in town, married with twin girls & still despised to even hear my name.

Somehow though, just about 3 years ago now, she reached out on FB and requested to be my friend. I'm not sure what got her to ultimately reach out to me after 17 years...maybe it was seeing her daughters get to the age that made her think of us? I don't know. I haven't wanted to ask. But one electronic conversation lead to another, then a dinner out to break the ice...

That first dinner together, about 3 years ago now, I got to the restaurant first so went to the bar and ordered myself a Maker's Mark Manhattan. You know, to take the edge off. She get's there and orders a PEPSI. You can probably guess the thoughts. "A soda? Really? I mean I know drinking and driving is bad but she still can't have just one? Oh wow, maybe this was a mistake. Uhhgg, is she lame or what?" I remember thinking at the end of the night, I was conflicted. It was great seeing her and hearing about her life but I was thinking "am I really going to do this again?" and it was all based on the fact she didn't drink. Come to find out she just doesn't drink. No issues or problems but just - doesn't (I felt like it was almost seeing a unicorn).

I decided I was good with rekindling this friendship and before I knew it, we were attempting to get together once every month or two. I find out she's truly a miraculous woman, wife and mother. Seriously - I know no one like her. In February I made mention of my decision to quit drinking which was received without an issue or any big deal made.

NOW back to the text I received this morning. It read "By my mathematical calculation, today is 100 days sober!!! It's a tough battle and I'm so proud of you!"

Followed by -> CRYING

I can't explain to you how unexpected that was. But it WAS. I don't recall ever saying a date to her. I don't know how she picked up on it to do her 'mathematical calculation'. I just know all the crap we went through as kids, all the stupid thoughts as an adult I had about how "lame" that first dinner was after 17 years, all the anger I know she harbored and had to let go of to even reach out to me again...and for her to send me that message...it was so heartfelt, so honest...I can't even put to words how overwhelming it was.

So yeah, 100 days. I'm grateful beyond expression for my sobriety but THERE IS ALSO SO MUCH MORE!

Feeling blessed, grateful, happy, thankful, loved, humble, emotional...

Much love, Codette

My First AA Meeting - After Thoughts

I recently found out that my new cubical neighbor at work is 20 years sober (her and her husband!). To say I was excited is putting it mildly! Up until now my sober community has all been online, which I’ve honestly been very comfortable with, but I thought how fun to actually have someone physically around me! So that being said, she invited me to my first AA meeting as a sober person.

Now, I’m at 88 days alcohol free today & honesty, I’m feeling and doing better than I ever could have imagined!!! I did consciously choose not to go to AA but I’m not against AA. I’ve been in and around that world since my teens due to my parents drinking. Alateen, Al-Anon and even AA with others as I got older. I even read the “Big Book”. I guess I just felt, from MY experiences, it wasn’t for ME.

I’ll be honest, my first thought was “uhhggg, I don’t know that I want to go.” but overall I decided it was a great opportunity to check it out, feeling safe and possibly create new friendships, so I went. The AA meeting was fine. It really wasn’t anything out of what I expected I guess. Lots of stories, lots of truth, lots of life exposed in those moments. One can really bare their soul there. I even knew a couple other people. Small world. I’ll most likely even go again.

Here is the thing, I don’t know that I CAN keep going. AA SEEMS to be a form of religion and there are some things I just CAN’T follow the herd on. Even if the ultimate goal is the same (to live a happy sober life), I’m starting to wonder, if I don’t follow their rules or share their beliefs, can I share the space there?

For instance, I don’t feel any need to say “Hi I’m Codette and I’m an alcoholic.” I don’t say that to sound pretentious. I’m just not willing to give myself a label like that. I don’t think it’s fair to myself. Not because I didn’t have an issue with alcohol but how “alcoholic” is viewed and defined. I don’t believe I have any disease or an “allergy”. I do believe that alcohol is an addictive substance. One that changes your brain function. You can put it in any drug category for me. Just because it’s legal or socially acceptable does not make it less harmless. It isn’t ME, it’s the alcohol.

I could go into my why I feel so deeply but I don’t think I can say it better than Annie Grace from “This Naked Mind” or Holly from HipSobriety. I don’t know that I would have been able wrap  my mind around quitting without them. The stigma around being an “alcoholic” is so dismal and dooming. I don’t get why slapping a label on me after I QUIT drinking helps my process. Where quitting drinking is enough of a task without having to put a label on it that makes you feel even less empowered. I mean in reality I’d feel more apt to take the “alcoholic” sickness/disease title when I was still drinking! But after? No. I was a drinker. I’m a non-drinker now. That’s it.

I don’t know what I can accredit my path to. Is it the blogs I found? The books I’ve read? The hard mental pain I went through the last 7 years trying to “moderate”? Watching my Dad almost die? Seeing my mom become someone I didn’t know or care to be around? Seeing my friends get DUI’s? Having health issues directly associated with drinking? Was it that I caught myself early enough? That maybe getting off my elevator before hitting rock bottom has allowed this process to be easier? Maybe it’s all these things or none of these things. Who knows? Either way I’m grateful 100% and I love love love how absolutely FREE I feel.  

I don’t say all this to anger or frustrate anyone that lives and breaths AA. I support the AA movement just as much as I support my own. I would never discourage anyone from doing what works to keep them sober. Maybe AA is what it is because it’s has a defined path for those who have had a different experience than myself? All I know, is from my vantage point, AA isn’t the ONLY way. Just because you don’t choose AA – it doesn’t mean you’ll fail but likewise just because you choose it, doesn’t mean you’ll be successful either. I fully believe each path is unique and each individual has to figure out the right path for themselves.

much love, Codette

Path of destruction

It's been a while since I last wrote/typed. I'll admit, it wasn't all due to lack of time but I struggled with WHAT to put down. I decided what that meant for ME is I was in a good place so I let it be. This week I've been chewing on something that happened last weekend...

I woke up last Saturday morning and on my way down the hallway I was struck by thoughts of my dogs that I had left behind in my divorce 5 years ago. I don't know where the thought came from but I thought of their cute little faces and I started crying. And I couldn't stop. At all.

The thoughts went from my dogs, to that marriage, to how that marriage became in the first place and then I broke down harder. It was a solid 30 minutes of tears and thoughts that just wouldn't stop. In the end the common denominator was the path of destruction alcohol had created in my life.

It got me to thinking, when was my first negative memory with alcohol? Can I see the progression?

I immediately thought back to being 10 years old. Our family reunion. A big one. I have only a few memories of it and one is my dad being completely hammered and being so belligerent and mean that he got in a fist-to-cuffs with my Grandpa (his father). I remember watching from behind someone, watching them swing at each other. I remember spending that evening at my parents friends house. They were like an aunt and uncle to me. I don't even know if my mom was there! I remember the "uncle" made us chicken noodle soup when we woke up. I have no concept of time in this memory but eventually we were home and I was walking up to the house and the sliding patio glass door had been ripped from it's frame and thrown out into the yard and there it lay broken. I big gaping hole opening our home. I don't recall any conversation about this. It just was and then we moved on and from there, I have many more memories...

• The fights, the screaming, the yelling during my childhood (that I carried into my adulthood...)
• My father's 3 year affair with another woman
• My parents vocal and physical fights
• My mother almost divorcing my father 
• My parents dysfunctional marriage kept together by what I can only tell - alcohol
• My early adulthood built upon events surrounding drinking
• Partying with my parents
• My first husband saying he thought we drank too much
• My affair
• My first divorce
• My second marriage to the one I had the affair with (and he also ended his marriage)
• My later adulthood built upon even MORE events surrounding drinking
• Partying with my parents
• My second husband saying he thought we drank too much
• My second husband's affair
• My second divorce
• Sleeping around
• Loss of friendships
• Falling in love with a man who didn't have a driver's license due to some old DUI charges
• The complete downfall of my "functioning alcoholic" father when he retired early (because financially he could) after being brought to the brink of death after escalating beyond 1.75 liters of vodka a day, every day.

This is just a short snip-it because the list in reality is much larger. It's more a book. After all...in the middle of that bullet pointed list is my life and as dismal as the list sounds, mixed in with it are some really great parts.

Thing is, none of those good parts in reality had to do with alcohol. I'm not saying I don't have any good memories drinking. Sure I have a ton of them. But those happy moments I've realized are not to the credit of alcohol. Those happy times are because of the frame of mind I was in or those I was around. The big sad ugly moments in that bullet point list, I feel I can directly give credit to alcohol. The role it's played for my dad, for my mom, for me, for my sister, for my ex-husbands, for my current significant other, for my friends, for my family & extended family...I don't "blame" alcohol but there is a significance in recognizing it's involvement, it's pattern, and ultimately it's path of destruction.

When I really sit down and think about it, it's destruction is EVERYWHERE and in EVERYONE. And whether you consume or not, you've most likely been touched by it.

It's these moments of clarity I'm so grateful for now and I'm humbly proud to say my personal path of destruction has ended. I know not everyone can say the same and it's for those, I pray.

much love, Codette

Image

I returned to work on Tuesday. My first day back after being off for 6 glorious weeks. I'm not lying when I say they were the best 6 weeks of my life. No worries, no stress. It was 6 weeks all about me. That isn't what this post is about though.

I had a co-worker come up to me yesterday. Someone I've worked with gosh, for probably 10 of my 17 years at this employer. We don't socialize out of work at all. We aren't FB friends or anything of that nature. It's normal co-worker type talk as we've been on many of the same projects and we've done a handful of work events together.

She comes up to me and says "Hey Codette, I got something I think you might like." I kind of hold my breath. Not to sound rude but this co-worker is strong type A personality all the way, pretty much completely opposite of me so when she says this I always doubt I'll like it.

She continues with, and invokes that emoji type face of confused or undecided. You know the one, not a smile or a frown but with the crooked mouth "well, you can't drink there but you might still like it."

That comment hit me and hard. While she continued to tell me what it was, that there is a local ceramics class starting in May, my focus was still back on the drinking comment. I wanted to clearly say out loud from a mountain "I don't drink anymore!!! How's that for good news?!" but instead muttered something like "well...I...well...its...well no drinking isn't of any concern."

So there I sat. That is my image to people. That I can't, won't, don't do anything without alcohol. At some level I suppose I did know I had done this to myself. At points I can say I was proud of it even. Three months ago I would have listened and IF (strong if) I would have even entertained the idea of going I'm sure I would have reached out to one of my drinking partners in crime and if they were interested we would have figured out a way to sneak booze in with us and have a grand time. I probably would have even bragged about it somewhere to someone and gotten some laughs.

But none the less, when something is no longer a part of you, and you realize peoples judgments or associations are no longer accurate (even if they are due to no action but your own) it hits you and not lightly.

Now, I didn't slide in to self hate (which was a nice surprise) but I did sink a bit into sadness. Sadness of how much of my beautiful self I've covered up with alcohol. How much of it really defined me to other people. How much it even defined me to MYSELF! There has been so much missed out on. All the times I was probably offered something along these lines and just passed them by or ignored them because "how lame to do anything with out drinking!" or "No way that intrudes on my drinking time!". All the times that I could have met new people or could have allowed someone to get to know me. All the times I could have possibly found a hobby or a new interest for me, for my soul. But instead, I consumed alcohol. All alone or at a bar. Either way that was all I did was drink.

I didn't wallow too long in my sadness. I gave myself an internal hug and remembered this is why I've done what I've done. This is why I've adopted the mantra of 'never question the decision' or 'nqtd' (thank you Holly of Hip Sobriety). It's why I had that acronym engraved on a bracelet along with the date of my decision that I never take off. I've done this all to grow, to get to know who I am, for others to get to know who I am, to remind myself I made this choice for a reason.

I looked up these ceramic classes. I'm going to do it. I might even do it by myself. Who knows.

What I do know is, I am in charge of my image and it's never to late to change, redefine, or create a different one.

love, Codette

Fun?

Well I went to a St. Patrick’s Day party last night.

I would say St. Patrick’s Day had always been one of my favorites! Always so full of FUN! The perfect reasoning to go out, get DRUNK with the PLAN of being hung over the next day. Oh joy.

This particular party was a house party. I would say there are usually around 40-50 people that all congregate in a tight basement to drink, eat and watch a guy in a kilt play the bag pipes. This was the 4^th one I’ve attended.

The first one I was a year in post divorce and single. I stayed relatively low key because I had to teach Sunday School kids the next day. It’s also the night I met the man that is still a part of my life to this very day. Good good memories.

The next two years - Blackouts. One year was most likely caused by uncounted pints of Guinness, Irish Car Bombs, you name it, Codette drank it. The other year was most likely the 6 pack of some lovely strong dark beer that I felt ever so inclined to consume BEFORE going to the party. I THINK I lasted maybe 2 hours. I know I was facing people and talking with them but I have no clue what was said. Thank goodness we are only 1.5 blocks away so I know I walked home but I don’t recall getting home, going to bed, etc.

I think about all that now and I think “What on earth was wrong with me that I called all this a good time?” But I do know why. I believed I could only have fun if I had alcohol to consume. I believed I could only be liked and be fun if I had alcohol to consume. Honestly, what a dreadful belief to have about ones self. They are right when they say alcohol causes depression.

So about last night you are probably wondering. Well, here are some key things I got from the evening:

1)      I went. See last year I missed out on a lot of things like this. I felt horrible about myself and avoided people I hadn’t seen in a long time at all costs so I didn’t have to listen to the constant self abuse of “I’ve gained 40lbs since the last time they saw me 2 years ago. How horrible I must look. Man I’m such a piece of shit.” It was much easier to just stay home and drink to avoid it altogether. The action of not going at all then led into more self hatred “How will you ever hold on to friends if you never do anything with anyone anymore? You are so stupid.” So saying I went, was huge.

2)      My anxiety was NOTHING near what it has been in the past when I had my so called “liquid courage”. I just spent time in the moment. I didn’t run for the booze table as soon as I got there before anyone said a word to me. I didn’t self abuse myself with the usual “Gosh if I could only be like so-and-so. I wish my stomach looked like that <tug on shirt>.” This time I walked in feeling good about myself. I held my head high and kept reminding myself how fucking awesome I am.

3)      It was easier than I thought. Only the hosts knew I wasn’t going to be drinking and even they didn’t say anything. I prepared and brought my own NA beer and slipped it in a bottle coozie. No one asked “so what are you drinking?”. The offers of shots or a nice half & half were kindly declined and they simply moved on to the next person.

4)      I survived. I socialized just over 3 hours SOBER in a tight basement full of drunk people. I talked to quite a few people I hadn’t seen in a long time. It was ok but I’ll admit it was exhausting. I realized it’s not hard to get people to talk about themselves so I don’t have to speak much at all. Not that I’m opposed to speaking about myself but in context of “small talk” with acquaintances, it works and was a good discovery.

5)      I loved coming home on a Saturday night at 10:30pm and crawling into bed because I’m TIRED and not just because I needed to pass out.

6)      I loved waking up on a Sunday normally being able to toss some clothes on, make some coffee, go to the grocery store for the week and have that all done by 8:30am. A bonus, being able to go and have a nice breakfast with my man without having a hangover.

Overall I’d say it was a success! Some might think or say “ok, great to all of that BUT…did you have FUN?” I know that is what I would have thought/said.

Here is the thing, I’m not sure what kind of night it was. It wasn’t GREAT, it wasn’t HORRIBLE. I’m still not confident in this area of “social non-drinking”. I know for me it was a trial run. An experiment. Most of it was spent in what I call “analysis” mode. I know my idea of “fun” is shifting. Like I no longer believe that drinking to a point of blacking out is “fun”. If I’m honest at all, I’m not sure what “fun” is to me anymore.  

Maybe that sounds dreary to some but to me it’s full of hope and excitement! Again, I believe last night was a success on many different levels. I decided though I didn’t need to label how I felt about it. I am good with it as an overall experience. An experience as Clearheaded Codette and I can’t express how much peace that brings me.

with love, Codette

Firsts

We all have "firsts". Firsts are everywhere. Some planned, some not. First dance, first boyfriend, first kiss, first job, first child, first snow fall, first car, first house, first time seeing the ocean or a mountain. You get the idea. We cherish our firsts. However, when you start navigating life with out alcohol you get an entirely different set of firsts, firsts we typically fear or dread.

Today at 54 days AF I had my first REAL thought of "I could really use a drink!!!" Some might be saying "Reallly? 54 days and you just had that thought for the first time?" Trust me, I'm thankful but I almost questioned what was wrong with me because I didn't have the thought earlier. I chalked it up to the pink cloud, my bubble situation (read here), or just me being different. I'm not talking about a tiny thought you swat down like a weak fly. No, I'm talking about the one where the thought sticks. Where I envisioned a bottle, a glass, the taste and the FEELING of slipping into "numb". It was 8:05 AM.

Now of course I didn't drink. I won't. I know too much now. It's not just the addiction aspect of it but the substance itself is toxic to my living body. For more on that topic, watch this film:
-“My Name Was Bette: The Life and Death of an Alcoholic”
and/or read any of these books:
-Annie Grace “This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol: Find Freedom, Discover Happiness & Change Your Life”
-Jason Vale “Kick the Drink…Easily”
-Allen Carr “The easy way to control alcohol”.

But here I was having the thought. I was attempting to beat it down. "Stop it. You are being stupid, nothing is worth that, alcohol is the devil" or something super positive like that. The thought seemed to simmer down but it was still there...simmering.

So I told myself "Ok that isn't working...how about you just allow yourself to feel what you are feeling." Holy cats Batman, hold on to your seat! It went from simmer to rapid boil in no time and I broke down. I mean BROKE. DOWN. Heavy ugly cry. There was fear, shame, guilt and I wanted to run (escape)...so many things I hadn't felt in 54 days just came to the surface. The inner dialog was something like "I can't believe my thoughts "caved in" on me at the slightest bit of stress." I cried through it. It kept coming and I let it.

Then it just stopped. I wiped the tears, blew my nose and then more inner dialog like this surfaced: "But Codette, it's so many years of using alcohol against stress. There is nothing wrong with you. It's ok, you know you don't need to drink. You know it won't solve or help anything. You are just hurting right now. It will get better. This is just a moment. Maybe you should blog about this."

You see it wasn't about the alcohol at all. I had a fight with someone I love very much. It's actually already over with. There was no intentional harm meant by either party. It was one of those fights that really has no meaning or purpose at all. I sent off around 10 text messages "stating my case". First half in anger, second half in confusion. Then the thought to drink surfaced. Then the break down. Then the reflection.

I REALIZED the argument fueled feelings of my own self doubt. Am I not a trusting person? Am I selfish? Am I someone that wouldn't help someone in need? To be clear these things were not said - these were things I felt.

I ACKNOWLEDGED these feelings by allowing myself to feel them. I let the rapid boil happen. It was never about having the thought to drink. It was about the feelings I was wanting to avoid. Instead of numbing, I went THROUGH the feelings.

I INVESTIGATED what these feelings meant to me. They are in fact some of my fears that I have while I make changes in my life during my path to recovery. How can I be trusted when I haven't been honest with everyone about my drinking/not drinking? How can I be selfless when I have to focus on me right now? How can I help someone when they don't even ask or better yet when helping myself is enough for a day?

Then I just let my NATURAL state be. I know in my heart I am a trusting person. I know that working on myself doesn't equate to being selfish. I know just because someone doesn't ask for help, doesn't mean I am not someone who wouldn't help. The thought of drinking was LONG gone because again, that was never what it was about.

As I started typing out above how I processed through this first, I realized I basically processed with the RAIN Technique!!! Ahhh, the gift of an unknown first! (For anyone that isn't familiar with it read here.)

I had a good friend tell me about this technique over a year ago. I remember finding it extremely uncomfortable and I let it go as something that wouldn't work for me. But you know, when you have a back up like booze in your corner, you can guess what did the reasoning there. Today though, something clicked! I did this without even thinking about it!!! Out-freakin-standing!!!

So I had my first alcohol consumption thought. I had my first conscious thought of "I should blog about this" to help myself thru this moment. I unknowingly used the RAIN technique for the first time (and it worked!). And because of that, for the first time, I really believe that dealing with stress without alcohol is really easier.

Firsts really are everywhere. The firsts I've experienced while navigating life alcohol free are some of the best firsts of my life! Do not fear or dread them instead acknowledge them, accept them, learn from them and cherish them. They are just as important as any of your other firsts.

love, Codette