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I returned to work on Tuesday. My first day back after being off for 6 glorious weeks. I'm not lying when I say they were the best 6 weeks of my life. No worries, no stress. It was 6 weeks all about me. That isn't what this post is about though.

I had a co-worker come up to me yesterday. Someone I've worked with gosh, for probably 10 of my 17 years at this employer. We don't socialize out of work at all. We aren't FB friends or anything of that nature. It's normal co-worker type talk as we've been on many of the same projects and we've done a handful of work events together.

She comes up to me and says "Hey Codette, I got something I think you might like." I kind of hold my breath. Not to sound rude but this co-worker is strong type A personality all the way, pretty much completely opposite of me so when she says this I always doubt I'll like it.

She continues with, and invokes that emoji type face of confused or undecided. You know the one, not a smile or a frown but with the crooked mouth "well, you can't drink there but you might still like it."

That comment hit me and hard. While she continued to tell me what it was, that there is a local ceramics class starting in May, my focus was still back on the drinking comment. I wanted to clearly say out loud from a mountain "I don't drink anymore!!! How's that for good news?!" but instead muttered something like "well...I...well...its...well no drinking isn't of any concern."

So there I sat. That is my image to people. That I can't, won't, don't do anything without alcohol. At some level I suppose I did know I had done this to myself. At points I can say I was proud of it even. Three months ago I would have listened and IF (strong if) I would have even entertained the idea of going I'm sure I would have reached out to one of my drinking partners in crime and if they were interested we would have figured out a way to sneak booze in with us and have a grand time. I probably would have even bragged about it somewhere to someone and gotten some laughs.

But none the less, when something is no longer a part of you, and you realize peoples judgments or associations are no longer accurate (even if they are due to no action but your own) it hits you and not lightly.

Now, I didn't slide in to self hate (which was a nice surprise) but I did sink a bit into sadness. Sadness of how much of my beautiful self I've covered up with alcohol. How much of it really defined me to other people. How much it even defined me to MYSELF! There has been so much missed out on. All the times I was probably offered something along these lines and just passed them by or ignored them because "how lame to do anything with out drinking!" or "No way that intrudes on my drinking time!". All the times that I could have met new people or could have allowed someone to get to know me. All the times I could have possibly found a hobby or a new interest for me, for my soul. But instead, I consumed alcohol. All alone or at a bar. Either way that was all I did was drink.

I didn't wallow too long in my sadness. I gave myself an internal hug and remembered this is why I've done what I've done. This is why I've adopted the mantra of 'never question the decision' or 'nqtd' (thank you Holly of Hip Sobriety). It's why I had that acronym engraved on a bracelet along with the date of my decision that I never take off. I've done this all to grow, to get to know who I am, for others to get to know who I am, to remind myself I made this choice for a reason.

I looked up these ceramic classes. I'm going to do it. I might even do it by myself. Who knows.

What I do know is, I am in charge of my image and it's never to late to change, redefine, or create a different one.

love, Codette

Fun?

Well I went to a St. Patrick’s Day party last night.

I would say St. Patrick’s Day had always been one of my favorites! Always so full of FUN! The perfect reasoning to go out, get DRUNK with the PLAN of being hung over the next day. Oh joy.

This particular party was a house party. I would say there are usually around 40-50 people that all congregate in a tight basement to drink, eat and watch a guy in a kilt play the bag pipes. This was the 4^th one I’ve attended.

The first one I was a year in post divorce and single. I stayed relatively low key because I had to teach Sunday School kids the next day. It’s also the night I met the man that is still a part of my life to this very day. Good good memories.

The next two years - Blackouts. One year was most likely caused by uncounted pints of Guinness, Irish Car Bombs, you name it, Codette drank it. The other year was most likely the 6 pack of some lovely strong dark beer that I felt ever so inclined to consume BEFORE going to the party. I THINK I lasted maybe 2 hours. I know I was facing people and talking with them but I have no clue what was said. Thank goodness we are only 1.5 blocks away so I know I walked home but I don’t recall getting home, going to bed, etc.

I think about all that now and I think “What on earth was wrong with me that I called all this a good time?” But I do know why. I believed I could only have fun if I had alcohol to consume. I believed I could only be liked and be fun if I had alcohol to consume. Honestly, what a dreadful belief to have about ones self. They are right when they say alcohol causes depression.

So about last night you are probably wondering. Well, here are some key things I got from the evening:

1)      I went. See last year I missed out on a lot of things like this. I felt horrible about myself and avoided people I hadn’t seen in a long time at all costs so I didn’t have to listen to the constant self abuse of “I’ve gained 40lbs since the last time they saw me 2 years ago. How horrible I must look. Man I’m such a piece of shit.” It was much easier to just stay home and drink to avoid it altogether. The action of not going at all then led into more self hatred “How will you ever hold on to friends if you never do anything with anyone anymore? You are so stupid.” So saying I went, was huge.

2)      My anxiety was NOTHING near what it has been in the past when I had my so called “liquid courage”. I just spent time in the moment. I didn’t run for the booze table as soon as I got there before anyone said a word to me. I didn’t self abuse myself with the usual “Gosh if I could only be like so-and-so. I wish my stomach looked like that <tug on shirt>.” This time I walked in feeling good about myself. I held my head high and kept reminding myself how fucking awesome I am.

3)      It was easier than I thought. Only the hosts knew I wasn’t going to be drinking and even they didn’t say anything. I prepared and brought my own NA beer and slipped it in a bottle coozie. No one asked “so what are you drinking?”. The offers of shots or a nice half & half were kindly declined and they simply moved on to the next person.

4)      I survived. I socialized just over 3 hours SOBER in a tight basement full of drunk people. I talked to quite a few people I hadn’t seen in a long time. It was ok but I’ll admit it was exhausting. I realized it’s not hard to get people to talk about themselves so I don’t have to speak much at all. Not that I’m opposed to speaking about myself but in context of “small talk” with acquaintances, it works and was a good discovery.

5)      I loved coming home on a Saturday night at 10:30pm and crawling into bed because I’m TIRED and not just because I needed to pass out.

6)      I loved waking up on a Sunday normally being able to toss some clothes on, make some coffee, go to the grocery store for the week and have that all done by 8:30am. A bonus, being able to go and have a nice breakfast with my man without having a hangover.

Overall I’d say it was a success! Some might think or say “ok, great to all of that BUT…did you have FUN?” I know that is what I would have thought/said.

Here is the thing, I’m not sure what kind of night it was. It wasn’t GREAT, it wasn’t HORRIBLE. I’m still not confident in this area of “social non-drinking”. I know for me it was a trial run. An experiment. Most of it was spent in what I call “analysis” mode. I know my idea of “fun” is shifting. Like I no longer believe that drinking to a point of blacking out is “fun”. If I’m honest at all, I’m not sure what “fun” is to me anymore.  

Maybe that sounds dreary to some but to me it’s full of hope and excitement! Again, I believe last night was a success on many different levels. I decided though I didn’t need to label how I felt about it. I am good with it as an overall experience. An experience as Clearheaded Codette and I can’t express how much peace that brings me.

with love, Codette

Firsts

We all have "firsts". Firsts are everywhere. Some planned, some not. First dance, first boyfriend, first kiss, first job, first child, first snow fall, first car, first house, first time seeing the ocean or a mountain. You get the idea. We cherish our firsts. However, when you start navigating life with out alcohol you get an entirely different set of firsts, firsts we typically fear or dread.

Today at 54 days AF I had my first REAL thought of "I could really use a drink!!!" Some might be saying "Reallly? 54 days and you just had that thought for the first time?" Trust me, I'm thankful but I almost questioned what was wrong with me because I didn't have the thought earlier. I chalked it up to the pink cloud, my bubble situation (read here), or just me being different. I'm not talking about a tiny thought you swat down like a weak fly. No, I'm talking about the one where the thought sticks. Where I envisioned a bottle, a glass, the taste and the FEELING of slipping into "numb". It was 8:05 AM.

Now of course I didn't drink. I won't. I know too much now. It's not just the addiction aspect of it but the substance itself is toxic to my living body. For more on that topic, watch this film:
-“My Name Was Bette: The Life and Death of an Alcoholic”
and/or read any of these books:
-Annie Grace “This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol: Find Freedom, Discover Happiness & Change Your Life”
-Jason Vale “Kick the Drink…Easily”
-Allen Carr “The easy way to control alcohol”.

But here I was having the thought. I was attempting to beat it down. "Stop it. You are being stupid, nothing is worth that, alcohol is the devil" or something super positive like that. The thought seemed to simmer down but it was still there...simmering.

So I told myself "Ok that isn't working...how about you just allow yourself to feel what you are feeling." Holy cats Batman, hold on to your seat! It went from simmer to rapid boil in no time and I broke down. I mean BROKE. DOWN. Heavy ugly cry. There was fear, shame, guilt and I wanted to run (escape)...so many things I hadn't felt in 54 days just came to the surface. The inner dialog was something like "I can't believe my thoughts "caved in" on me at the slightest bit of stress." I cried through it. It kept coming and I let it.

Then it just stopped. I wiped the tears, blew my nose and then more inner dialog like this surfaced: "But Codette, it's so many years of using alcohol against stress. There is nothing wrong with you. It's ok, you know you don't need to drink. You know it won't solve or help anything. You are just hurting right now. It will get better. This is just a moment. Maybe you should blog about this."

You see it wasn't about the alcohol at all. I had a fight with someone I love very much. It's actually already over with. There was no intentional harm meant by either party. It was one of those fights that really has no meaning or purpose at all. I sent off around 10 text messages "stating my case". First half in anger, second half in confusion. Then the thought to drink surfaced. Then the break down. Then the reflection.

I REALIZED the argument fueled feelings of my own self doubt. Am I not a trusting person? Am I selfish? Am I someone that wouldn't help someone in need? To be clear these things were not said - these were things I felt.

I ACKNOWLEDGED these feelings by allowing myself to feel them. I let the rapid boil happen. It was never about having the thought to drink. It was about the feelings I was wanting to avoid. Instead of numbing, I went THROUGH the feelings.

I INVESTIGATED what these feelings meant to me. They are in fact some of my fears that I have while I make changes in my life during my path to recovery. How can I be trusted when I haven't been honest with everyone about my drinking/not drinking? How can I be selfless when I have to focus on me right now? How can I help someone when they don't even ask or better yet when helping myself is enough for a day?

Then I just let my NATURAL state be. I know in my heart I am a trusting person. I know that working on myself doesn't equate to being selfish. I know just because someone doesn't ask for help, doesn't mean I am not someone who wouldn't help. The thought of drinking was LONG gone because again, that was never what it was about.

As I started typing out above how I processed through this first, I realized I basically processed with the RAIN Technique!!! Ahhh, the gift of an unknown first! (For anyone that isn't familiar with it read here.)

I had a good friend tell me about this technique over a year ago. I remember finding it extremely uncomfortable and I let it go as something that wouldn't work for me. But you know, when you have a back up like booze in your corner, you can guess what did the reasoning there. Today though, something clicked! I did this without even thinking about it!!! Out-freakin-standing!!!

So I had my first alcohol consumption thought. I had my first conscious thought of "I should blog about this" to help myself thru this moment. I unknowingly used the RAIN technique for the first time (and it worked!). And because of that, for the first time, I really believe that dealing with stress without alcohol is really easier.

Firsts really are everywhere. The firsts I've experienced while navigating life alcohol free are some of the best firsts of my life! Do not fear or dread them instead acknowledge them, accept them, learn from them and cherish them. They are just as important as any of your other firsts.

love, Codette

I am fucking awesome!

Today I am happy. I am joyful. I am strong. I am grateful. I am fucking awesome! It's been this way almost every day since I said I was done with alcohol! This is not how I would have EVER described myself 47 days ago or any day prior to that.

I have dinner plans 'out' tonight. It's the first one in over a month. It's out to dinner (minus one common person) with people I've never even met! And, I'm not worried at all! I can't explain how good that feels. I just have a feeling in my soul that I'll be fine!

I had alcohol in my life because I thought it made things easier. In fact it was living with alcohol that made everything so difficult. I couldn't even see it when I was in it. It's like any dysfunctional relationship. When you are in it you think "What would I ever do without them/it?!" and when you are out of it you think "How on earth did I last so long being so miserable?! I didn't even know myself!"

I seriously wish I could get everyone struggling today to understand the joy that is felt from removing alcohol from your life. The self empowerment fires and all of a sudden anything seems possible. I have never been a "doer". I've been afraid of failure my entire life. I've lived in the shadows just "existing". I made just enough effort to survive but not anymore to stand out or be noticed. My becoming a non-drinker is by far the biggest decision I've ever made. I went into it with "IF I ever drink again, it will be my choice." I was not willing to be driven by some craving, by some drug. I believed (and still do with all my heart) I'm stronger than that. And believing you are capable is half the battle in my opinion.

If you feel the itch to drink allow entertaining the IDEA or the THOUGHT of it. But not just entertaining "the one", not just the seduction of it. Force yourself to entertain the ENTIRE thing. Like 24 hours worth of this shit. Keep going beyond the first sip. If you don't feel guilt right then acknowledge you'll have more than "the one" because "Well, I am off now, might as well do it right cause who knows when I'll do this again". So more likely than not, being honest with yourself, that night turns into drunkenness. The morning after, not drinking in so long but drinking without abandon like you never gave it up (again most likely - you didn't just get on the sober train in the first because you were miserable having just "the one"),  you will have a hang over. You will feel immediate remorse, you will beat yourself up, you will think about your "day count" now going back to zero, you will feel immense shame, you will feel depressed, you will hate yourself. If you can crawl out of that (which is the hardest part in my opinion) going "forget it, it was just once" and you go right back to sober town, great but more likely than not, again, you'll have another drink that day.

Before ever taking a sip you have to really honestly ask yourself why you think the drink will make the experience of your situation any better. Is drinking ethanol, something your body considers poison, worth it? Is numbing the anxiety? Is the "fitting in"? Is the fear? Is any of it worth the self hatred you will feel after you "indulge"?

Think about it opposite now. Isn't it so much more empowering to say "No!" and reflect upon it later and say "Wow, I am fucking awesome!"

Have a great weekend everyone!

love, Codette

Take off those blinders!

I have to vent/rant. I posted this on a sober living community I'm a part of  (http://www.livingsober.org.nz/) but I felt this is a good place for it as well. 

I’ve found being sober can really open your eyes. If there is anything more frustrating it’s the deceit that television delivers in regards to alcohol. I’ve been getting good with letting it roll off & almost laughing at it all but last night it had me worked up.

I was watching House of Cards. I love the actors, love the characters, love the show. And even though I’m frustrated, I’ll still watch the dang show.

**POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT**
Episode 46. Frank (Kevin Spacey) is recovering from almost dying. Long story short, he ended up having a liver transplant to live. In a matter of an episode he’s back to his sinister ways but towards the end of this episode he gets frustrated, walks away fuming a bit and his wife (Robin Wright) follows him. She asks him to talk to her and during the dialog she is, not shitting you, pouring him a shot of what has been deemed some form of alcohol throughout the show. ALCOHOL – just after a LIVER TRANSPLANT. The ironic thing. I didn’t really catch it at that moment. It took going into Episode 47 when the wife catches Frank smoking a cigarette and scolds him, with something to the effect of “Francis, you really shouldn’t…”. It struck me like a bolt of lightning. Wait, wait, WAIT…you just poured and served him ALCOHOL after a LIVER TRANSPLANT but SMOKING is a no-no!?!?!!? Just WOW. Now I understand it’s a TV show but it’s those exact types of subliminal messages that sneak in and create such madness for many of us unconsciously.

And that is just the subliminal messaging. Here is a commercial by Campbell's Soup that just puts it out there blatantly.

This is exactly what I've read about in Alice Grace's "This Naked Mind Control Alcohol: Find Freedom, Discover Happiness & Change your Life", Allen Carr's "The easy way to control alcohol" and Jason Vale's "Kick the Drink...Easily". We have to change our unconscious & conscious mind due to these very things we see day in and day out. TV, Social Media - let alone just the people, places and things around us! I always thought "Well I live in Wisconsin. We drink here. I got the bad luck of being born here." I felt I was different and doomed because of my location. But then I start reading other's recovery blogs. These are blogs from ALL OVER THE WORLD and everyone describes how much of alcohol is just a part of their culture. Thing is, it's EVERYWHERE. Absolutely fucking EVERYWHERE. We need to make sure to watch out for it and be aware of it so we are not allowed to be seduced back in. Those books I reference have helped extremely in that regard. 

How can we change it ALL OVER THE WORLD though? That seems like such a daunting task that it makes me want to hide my head in the ground. Thing is if they did it for smoking, it can happen for alcohol. It takes people. People like you and I. People one by one to read about it, to talk about it, to share it, to believe in it. I no longer have my blinders on. So maybe my goal is to just get one other person to take theirs off.

And that is how it happens. One by one. Who can you reach?

Have a stupendous day everyone!

love, Codette

How will it be after my protective bubble pops?

WARNING to any readers other than myself: This is a LONG post. I didn’t realize how much I had typed but I’m keeping it all intact because well – it’s mostly for me.

So, I have to admit something. Even though I had some challenges the first two weeks of my sobriety, the ones following them up through today I was actually able to hunker down in a nice little safe protective bubble.

You see, two days after I made my commitment to my non-drinking lifestyle, I found out I had to have a hysterectomy and it was scheduled in two weeks. Even though there were some concerns for just a surgery in general, I was good with the hysterectomy itself.

What I type next might sound odd but for me, I'm not sure the universe couldn't have partnered these two things together and timed them any more impeccably. If it weren't for my booze free commitment, I believe the prep and recovery of my surgery wouldn't have went as well as they did. I know me. I would have drank right up until the day before the surgery because the surgery prep cheat says nothing about drinking abstinence except for abstaining for 24 hours in advance. (How is that even possible?) Like wise if it weren't for the surgery, I don't know that my booze free commitment would have been able to stand up to the social engagements I had those two weeks prior to surgery. I was able to use it as an "out" for the first few weeks of sobriety so I didn't really have to tell anyone I was actually quitting. And really, I think it gave me time to believe it. To believe I was capable.

Those first two weeks were also probably the busiest my social calendar had been in MONTHS. I never really like having a lot going on. And when you don't have kids you get to be selfish like that. Plus drinking at home is the budget way to drink. (oh isn't it also the slippery slope way to drink.). Between the packed social calendar, add in home and work with preparing for surgery and being off for recovery for 6 weeks - it was beyond my sort of busy.

Monday I declare to myself that I'm done with drinking. Tuesday I get a call from my doctor. Wednesday the decision was made for surgery. Friday I had an evening planned with my sister in my home. Saturday my man & I had dinner plans with another couple. Sunday morning I had breakfast plans with girlfriends (at a bar). Monday I had a "paint and sip" evening with girlfriends planned. Tuesday-Thursday were spent getting things accomplished before being off on medical leave for 6 weeks. Friday was a going away party for a dear co-worker of mine. Saturday more getting things done. Sunday Superbowl at my parents. Monday wrap up things at work. Tuesday surgery. It was nothing to sneeze at.

I feel I need to recap the events that had an impact to my new sobriety:

My evening with my sister proved a little disheartening. I didn't put up boundaries though (GREAT learning - never feel bad for speaking up for yourself even if that means "there will be no drinking at my house tonight"). She brought over beer (and she smokes pot). Her main agenda seemed to be "getting lit". Not sure if she is always like this or if it just stuck out to me because I wasn't drinking. It was really our first time getting together with no other purpose than to hang out and we were never together without alcohol even when there was a purpose.

The Saturday dinner plans with friends tumbled me around. Actually that is putting it lightly. I went into freak out angry mode. BIG TIME. I was screaming and crying to my OH "Why did I have to do this non-drinking thing now?" "Why did I have to be preparing for surgery?" "Why couldn't I be normal?" Why, why, why, why...I sunk into self pity mode in a matter of seconds. And then, somewhere inside me, I pulled myself out. It took about 30 full minutes of self talk, some deep breathing and a hot shower. I told myself I was fine. I told myself to revisit "day one" and the pain (and relief) I felt with decision I made for myself. I told myself I am normal. I told myself that these people love me no matter what. I decided I'd prepare with my coconut sparkling water and limes. And? The evening worked out. It was great conversation & many laughs were had. I enjoyed my time. It was also enlightening for two reasons. 1) It's quite interesting to watch people get intoxicated and realize you've been there and how much you don't realize. The slurring, the repeating, the heavy eye lids, etc 2) At 1:00 AM I was able to get behind the wheel and safely drive home.

By then the Sunday morning breakfast event with friends created little anxiety for whatever reason. I think the previous two evenings build up my strength. I walked in at 10:00 AM and there they were with their bloody mary's at the bar. I went and sat at the open stool next to them and ordered my club soda. I think I might have mumbled something about "yeah this no-drinking prep for the surgery blows". (Why we feel we have to down play our most life changing choice simply sucks.) A funny thing happened though, after they finished their drinks, they got soda. I'm not sure they would have done that had I also been drinking. Who knows. If I could look back and use my past to see the alternate course, it would have been several drinks, probably a couple more locations and an illegal drive home. This present course though...I ordered and ate breakfast (at the bar) and I was home by 11:30 and I felt empowered!

My Monday paint and sip...again at a bar. I did my first one a year ago and loved it. I felt I channeled my inner Bob Ross and I think I smiled for 2 days afterwards. I went and remained sober. We met early for dinner, I drank my club soda, we painted, I stayed for an "after painting drink" where I again had more club soda and then I left my friends at the bar to finish their evening with their cocktails. I thought about this one a lot and thought of all the effort that didn't have to go into the evening. Usually I would have tried to figure out how to get a ride there so I could drink drink drink and then I'd call my OH for a ride home so I'd be functioning safe.

The going away party for a co-worker. At a place where I used to spend a lot of my paycheck on drinking. I was super good going in at first. I had a small group of people I talk to regularly so I could talk and laugh with them and they weren't drinking either. But then the crowd got bigger, the place got nosier and my core group dissipated. The I was left with more time to look around and observed. There were still people there I knew by name, had worked with several years ago but I HATE small talk so I avoided them. Drinking I'm sure I would have been up in their face annoying them. Then the memories came flooding in. How many times I had been there drunk. I started wondering if I had sat in every chair in that place at some point. I started thinking about "the good ole days". I started to feel extreme anxiety. I no longer wanted to be THERE. I left. It felt amazing and empowering. Later my OH and I went out for fish at a bar. We both got soda. It was a great time. You see it wasn't the anxiety of being in a bar or being around alcohol for me that night. It was about what I hate...crowds, having it loud where you can't do small talk even if you wanted to and being in a place where the romanticizing of alcohol was sneaking around. Even though I had to admit I do need to work on my social skills I was still very proud of myself for identifying those things and not forcing too much on myself so soon.

Then the Superbowl at my parents. Had I been drinking I probably would have dreaded this more with the stress of "I shouldn't be drinking". My dad is about 6 months sober due to almost killing himself with alcohol. His condition was severe. We were even talking about hospice at one point because he couldn't talk, couldn't eat, couldn't drink, couldn't move & there was brain damage that could or could not heal - but yet he was awake. How he's recovered to probably 90% of what he was I'll never know. With all that said though I went out with some fancy expensive soda's for him, my OH and I. My mom and sister drink their champagne and whatnot. We had our visit time but we left at half time. I was so thankful to be in the "same space" as my dad for the fist time. Not just in the same room but sober too.

Then of course there was the surgery on Feb 9th and the healing that followed. I feel overwhelmed with feelings of being blessed and thankful each day. I've been reading books recommended by others in their blogs. I've really allowed myself to be in the moment and to take advantage of this time and I feel like I have.

Still to today I can honestly say I haven't had one "craving" for actual booze. I thought for sure, with my most favorite event of drinking at home and this time at home by myself for long days (with alcohol in the house even), I'd be going mad. I don't know if it's all the reading, the documentary I watched "My Name was Bette", seeing what alcohol is doing to my friends, seeing what alcohol has done to my family or just a combination of it all...whatever it's been I'm grateful. But...will it continue like this?

I have exactly 1.5 weeks left of my medical leave before this protective bubble pops. I would be lying if I didn't admit I was a little nervous thinking about going back to work. My job probably tallied the highest in my list of "reasons to drink". Then there is just going back "out there" without my "I just had surgery" excuse. I can't be niave to the fact that I'm going to be confronted with some stuff I've been able to hide/shield myself from.

I know this entry is LONG but I feel I need ALL this stuff out here for myself. I'm doing it so if I'm having a moment, where ever I am I can go to this as a reference point. So I can tell myself "See...this is how you got through the first two weeks. See this is what you learned from each challenge. You can do this." It will also remind me that I can write a post about it or I can reach out to one of the many others I have in my tool box. I can say wholeheartedly - I know I'll be ok.

love, Codette

What we have here is failure to communicate. Errr, maybe not.

Sometimes you are surprised, and not in a good way, with the reaction of others to the news of "I'm no longer drinking." I grew up in an alcohol fueled family, extended family and not by any shock, created that life for me as an adult by making sure alcohol had front and center stage when it came to friends, acquaintances and any event (social or otherwise). Thankfully I had a lot of blogs to read about others experiences so when I was confronted with these reactions, even though I was still surprised, I wasn't shocked.

How does one get over the hurt of it though? Or the frustration of it? In this case it's my mom. The woman who has sacrificed so much for me. Gave birth to me. Who would still do anything for me. Whom I will always love so very much.

She does not get it. Does. Not. Get. It.

Now I know people say others don't have to, that this is about you and I know all that. And it isn't that I disagree. But none the less it's hard...when it's your MOM.

I know she's dealt with so much the last few years & I won't get into detail here but it would be enough for any person, let alone a woman, to get severely depressed which is where she's at.

I broke the news to her very gently when she came down to visit with me a few weeks ago. I shared with her the pain I was in. The inner conflict. The addiction behavior. She said "See now I don't get that. You sound like your dad." followed up with "I don't think you really have a problem. I just think you are afraid of becoming your dad." I looked at her and said "Well...either way, isn't that enough?" She changed the subject and I was ok with it. I knew it was going to have to sink in slowly.

5 days later another conversation around the topic began. She wanted to confirm "So are you just done for now, like doing like a month off sort of thing or are you DONE DONE, like NEVER again?" I said "The goal is DONE DONE, like NEVER again." and I again explained some of the stuff I was going through and what would happen if I did drink again. She just looked at me, kinda gave a "hmmm" and then changed the subject. Again, I was ok with this.

Last night I was on the phone with my sister. We were talking about our concern for our mother. Lately her mood = ornery crotchety old lady. We as a family went out for breakfast for my dad's birthday. We've gathered together has a family 3 times in the last year and we all live with in 10 miles of each other. She was the ornery crotchety old lady to perfection the entire time. My sister & her had gotten together the following day and her mood was the same. My sister said she brought up me not drinking to her and my mom said with attitude "Yeah...what the hell is that about anyway?". Uhhhhggg. Completely deflated. Kicked in the gut. How disheartening. The courage and energy it took to have those discussions above and to be completely not heard. What is so hard to get? What did I miss in my communication to her? Why does it take so much explanation?

I read the books. I know what they say. I understand what they say. Her reaction isn't about me. It's about her. Where she's at in her life. She's judging alcohol's role in her life. Not just how she uses it personally (which isn't often these days), but also how her husband being an alcoholic has impacted her and her children.

I feel so sad for her. For the life she's chosen for herself. For her inability to see she has the power to change it. I sometimes get twinges of guilt for being where I am and "leaving her behind". I know I feel that way because because I'm product of alcoholic parents and it's embedded in me to take care of them, her specifically. To shield her, protect her. I know she's feeling resentment because she feels "left behind". I know it's part of the process.

I'm reminded of an excerpt I made note of when I read Geneen Roth's "Women Food & God" about a year ago:

"...my resistance to the pain was worse than the pain..."

This line continues to prove it's worth over and over again. So, I'm going to post this blog about it. I'm going to continue to talk to those closest to me about it. I'm even cry about it. The significance for me this time around? Instead of numbing myself day after day with alcohol, I'm going to allow myself to feel it. I KNOW it won't be even half as painful as where I've been.

love, Codette

“You have memories today...”

Well here I am at 40 days. Beyond that significance, FB has decided to remind me I have memories to look back on today. I have to admit, these memories typically do not surface elated joy. They in turn provide moments of heavy introspection and today wasn’t any different.

It was 4 years ago today that I chose as an adult to get baptized at a non-denominational church I started going to in 2011 when I was going through my second divorce. I went every week. I never missed. Even if I was hung over, I went (and there were plenty of those times). I even started volunteering in their Sunday school program which was a huge step personally for me. That church I still believed saved me. However, as I type that, I haven’t stepped foot in that life saving church more than 4 times total in the last 2 years. I’ll get to why later...

The baptism memory might have been the only one on FB but it didn’t arrive solo in my head. I was immediately flooded with quite the selection of other interwoven memories from four ago...

1) It had been almost a year since my ex-husband asked me for a divorce. A horrible day obviously but what came from it is immeasurable growth and without him & his way of hurting me, I wouldn’t be where I am today and for that I’m thankful.

2) I had just booked my first “single trip” with a girlfriend to NYC, a place I had never been. The friend that I had known since kindergarten. The friend whom not only did we plan our class selections together in school, but also got our first job together at the same place. Minus three years when I moved away right after high school, we continued to do the same with our adult work selection. She was also the friend that got me into that life saving church. She is now the friend that I no longer speak to (due to my choice).

3) Little did I know I was 6 days away from meeting the most wonderful man I’ve ever met. I fought this union. That I was not ready. That this was too soon. The universe won. Almost 4 years later I’m still fortunate enough to have him as my partner in life, my best friend, my biggest cheerleader.

4) Last but not least I had just finished a 31 day alcohol free month to prove I didn’t have a problem. My longest stint alcohol-free up until today...

See I elected to take this 31 day abstinence after coming into work with yet another hangover. Feeling like, what I say, “complete ass”. I IM’d my girlfriend I mention above (as she was the one I was out with the night before) something like “I’m taking a month off of drinking, this is ridiculous! I’m sick and tired of feeling like this!” How she exactly replied I don’t recall but I recall something normal like “Really? A full month? You’re serious!?” and then when she understood that I was she said “I’m going to do it with you.” Now some might say what a great friend that is. For me, it was just one more thing in long line of things with her that could never be just mine. Anyway, that aside, I did it. On the 32^nd day my friend and I made sure to have our “first drink” together. Shocking.

Now, my drinking started early yet later than most. Besides the annual glass of Mogen David “communion wine” with large quantity of 50/50 soda on New Years Eve my mom allowed us as kids, I can count on one hand how many times my senior year of high school I drank. In fact, my senior year I shadowed an AODA counselor at a woman’s shelter as I was sure that is what I was going to do after graduation. My drinking didn’t become a “thing” until I met my first husband at 21. It was innocent enough. It’s something to do, it’s normal, it’s what you should be doing in your 20’s...especially in Wisconsin people! Plus I’m not like my parents. I enjoy life. My husband and I go out and do things! We don’t fight! We actually like each other! I was completely different! My parents were alcoholics and even though I know there are harder, tougher childhoods than mine, it still wasn’t pretty.

Even though I can look back now with a clear head and see alcohol was an issue long before 4 years ago (heck it was responsible for ending my first marriage and most likely my second), those 31 days off from drinking became my idol and I worshiped it for 4 years. I clung to it like my life depended on it. It was my proof I was ok. I was normal. I was "better than so & so". It ended up the beginning of the end. It was the true beginning of my grieving process with alcohol.

Before I go into the grieving process as it was for me, I’ve read from several sources recently to not “mourn” or grieve alcohol. It’s an enemy and no one should grieve an enemy, yadda yadda yadda. The thing is for me and how I viewed it (and this is the beautiful part of recovery in finding what works for you), it was ABSOLUTELY necessary. See, I didn’t realize (or want to admit) alcohol was an enemy until after I got to acceptance - the final step of the process. Here is how it looked for me:

Denial – I can take day’s off here or there with no issue. Heck I took a month off! Surely I have no issues!

Anger – Finding issues with will power on some of these non-drinking day vows. Why do I have so much going on? Bad day at work, can’t lose weight, my nose looks like Rudolf, it’s a great day, it’s someone’s birthday, it’s my birthday month...name the excuse. It was followed by a “Screw it! I’m fine! You only live once! Let’s go back to Denial. Whoohoo!”

Bargaining – Moderation! Oh if I can just keep myself in check I can keep this relationship. It’s a balancing act is all. Everything in moderation. I will change! Moderation doesn’t stick, back to Anger, then to Denial.

Depression – The guilt, the shame, the self loathing. This step I feel is the guaranteed result from the perpetual cycle of Bargaining, Denial, Anger.

Remember I spent YEARS stumbling around in these 4 stages. When I was in the denial stage I chose a different focus from alcohol. Why was I miserable at work, why was I lazy, why did I procrastinate, why did I have X health problem, why was I over weight. Sometimes life picked a focus for me. Work is making layoffs again, my parents are miserable in retirement, my sister is going through a divorce, my dad is killing himself with vodka, dad checks himself into rehab, dad plummets 6 months later into the vodka bottle again this time to the very brink of death...I could go on and on because it’s LIFE. I picked up self help books, went to therapy, read articles trying to fix what was wrong, or how to deal with everything going on. Usually over a bottle or two of wine, a Makers Mark Manhattan, a Jack and Coke, Gin Gimlets or a 6pk of nice IPA’s...whatever my palette felt like. I had no prejudice when it came to alcohol.

Now that alternate focus was not wasted. It’s like I was going through my basement or an old store room. Sifting through what to keep, what to toss, what to give away, maybe some of what I forgot I had that I should put out on display again. It was an amazing feeling. Merge and purge. And what happened? I cleared so much out of the way but there was still something not right. There was still one box left in the middle of the room. It was REALLY heavy! When I looked inside...it was alcohol. And I recall thinking “Shit.” and that is when I began to cry. HARD.

Acceptance – The final step. Now this isn’t simply knowing that the relationship with alcohol is toxic. Knowing comes in the beginning which is how the entire process begins. It’s ADMITTING that the relationship is toxic. ADMITTING it serves of no purpose to you & what you desire in life.

Fast forward to 40 days ago. That final step is where I got. I had found a blog called Hip Sobriety. I don’t even know how I came about it or even how long I had been reading it. I’m sure it was during my google search of “I quit drinking now what?” or “how to know if you should really quit drinking” or some other crap like that. The post "Afraid to Quit Drinking? "(here) was the first I recall. It's a great write up but it contained a 'circle exercise' and it was a game changer for me in this context. I wasn't new to the circle exercise. I had done them before in context to analyzing my friendships. Who is in my inner trust circle, my friends circle, my acquaintance circle,  and so on. It's the process I used to remove that long time girlfriend, I mention above, from my life. What I got from this variation is the only thing that had kept me from leading an alcohol free life was fear. It goes on to say that in order to get what we want, fear is just part of the journey to get to where we want to go. You can’t by-pass it. So, I had to add that to the acceptance bucket too.

So this is where I am. This is the thought process that came from my FB “you have memories today”. I may not attend that church but I haven't lost my faith. Quite the contrary. It’s because I feel my spirituality has surpassed it, if that makes sense. Like the church is just too small for how I believe now. It was the best foundation I could have selected but I’m still building.

with love, Codette

PS – Special thanks to Holly at Hip Sobriety for being the first blog I stumbled upon that gave me the hope that there is life sober and that it can be AMAZING. Ironically, I see her post this morning “How to start a (recovery) blog...” of course after my first post last night. I extend this thanks to everyone else that has also taken time to blog about their alcohol experience. I’ve grown my recovery toolbox with them and it’s because of all of you that I type today, 40 days FREE.  

I'm Doing This

Well tonight is my first blog post. I've been debating on this for a couple weeks now. Do I really want to put myself out there? Will anyone even read it? Does anyone even care about my story? My ramblings? Last week I tested the water and dipped my toe in. I joined a sober online community and I commented on some of the blogs I've been lurking on since I began my journey 39 days ago. I have to say; it was liberating!

Now I will not claim to be a writer nor do I have any intention of being one. I may use poor grammar & punctuation, I may swear, I may let myself look like a really dandy! None-the-less here I am on to the next step. I'm going to blog. I decided to face my doubts and questioning determined fear was not going to win. I mean, really, that is what this journey is about!

Now where the heck does one start? What do I want to say? What do I share? I was going to start a sort of 'story boarding' exercise (something I've done in my work) to basically create a road map for my writing but then decided - No. Why make it like work?

Now based on what I've stated above it seems like the most logical thing to blog about first is fear. I'm not going to do that though because I feel so damn good right now. So for tonight I'm keeping it simple. I just want to share, I'm proud of myself! I'm proud of my 39 days without alcohol! I'm proud of myself for saying it out loud to those closest to me! I'm proud I've cried about it! I'm proud of myself for making myself a part of something! I'm proud of myself for wanting more and going after it, even if it is in baby steps! And you know what the greatest part is? For the first time in a LONG time (actually...maybe EVER) over these last 39 days, I haven't looked in the mirror with disgust, shame, guilt and self loathing. I smile in the mirror and I feel so grateful and blessed to be where I am today with myself!!

I NEVER could have fathomed I'd be here. Thinking any of this, let alone saying it or typing it out! I can't help but wonder with pure excitement, what else does the universe have in store for me?!

with love, Codette