My First AA Meeting - After Thoughts

I recently found out that my new cubical neighbor at work is 20 years sober (her and her husband!). To say I was excited is putting it mildly! Up until now my sober community has all been online, which I’ve honestly been very comfortable with, but I thought how fun to actually have someone physically around me! So that being said, she invited me to my first AA meeting as a sober person.

Now, I’m at 88 days alcohol free today & honesty, I’m feeling and doing better than I ever could have imagined!!! I did consciously choose not to go to AA but I’m not against AA. I’ve been in and around that world since my teens due to my parents drinking. Alateen, Al-Anon and even AA with others as I got older. I even read the “Big Book”. I guess I just felt, from MY experiences, it wasn’t for ME.

I’ll be honest, my first thought was “uhhggg, I don’t know that I want to go.” but overall I decided it was a great opportunity to check it out, feeling safe and possibly create new friendships, so I went. The AA meeting was fine. It really wasn’t anything out of what I expected I guess. Lots of stories, lots of truth, lots of life exposed in those moments. One can really bare their soul there. I even knew a couple other people. Small world. I’ll most likely even go again.

Here is the thing, I don’t know that I CAN keep going. AA SEEMS to be a form of religion and there are some things I just CAN’T follow the herd on. Even if the ultimate goal is the same (to live a happy sober life), I’m starting to wonder, if I don’t follow their rules or share their beliefs, can I share the space there?

For instance, I don’t feel any need to say “Hi I’m Codette and I’m an alcoholic.” I don’t say that to sound pretentious. I’m just not willing to give myself a label like that. I don’t think it’s fair to myself. Not because I didn’t have an issue with alcohol but how “alcoholic” is viewed and defined. I don’t believe I have any disease or an “allergy”. I do believe that alcohol is an addictive substance. One that changes your brain function. You can put it in any drug category for me. Just because it’s legal or socially acceptable does not make it less harmless. It isn’t ME, it’s the alcohol.

I could go into my why I feel so deeply but I don’t think I can say it better than Annie Grace from “This Naked Mind” or Holly from HipSobriety. I don’t know that I would have been able wrap  my mind around quitting without them. The stigma around being an “alcoholic” is so dismal and dooming. I don’t get why slapping a label on me after I QUIT drinking helps my process. Where quitting drinking is enough of a task without having to put a label on it that makes you feel even less empowered. I mean in reality I’d feel more apt to take the “alcoholic” sickness/disease title when I was still drinking! But after? No. I was a drinker. I’m a non-drinker now. That’s it.

I don’t know what I can accredit my path to. Is it the blogs I found? The books I’ve read? The hard mental pain I went through the last 7 years trying to “moderate”? Watching my Dad almost die? Seeing my mom become someone I didn’t know or care to be around? Seeing my friends get DUI’s? Having health issues directly associated with drinking? Was it that I caught myself early enough? That maybe getting off my elevator before hitting rock bottom has allowed this process to be easier? Maybe it’s all these things or none of these things. Who knows? Either way I’m grateful 100% and I love love love how absolutely FREE I feel.  

I don’t say all this to anger or frustrate anyone that lives and breaths AA. I support the AA movement just as much as I support my own. I would never discourage anyone from doing what works to keep them sober. Maybe AA is what it is because it’s has a defined path for those who have had a different experience than myself? All I know, is from my vantage point, AA isn’t the ONLY way. Just because you don’t choose AA – it doesn’t mean you’ll fail but likewise just because you choose it, doesn’t mean you’ll be successful either. I fully believe each path is unique and each individual has to figure out the right path for themselves.

much love, Codette