Path of destruction

It's been a while since I last wrote/typed. I'll admit, it wasn't all due to lack of time but I struggled with WHAT to put down. I decided what that meant for ME is I was in a good place so I let it be. This week I've been chewing on something that happened last weekend...

I woke up last Saturday morning and on my way down the hallway I was struck by thoughts of my dogs that I had left behind in my divorce 5 years ago. I don't know where the thought came from but I thought of their cute little faces and I started crying. And I couldn't stop. At all.

The thoughts went from my dogs, to that marriage, to how that marriage became in the first place and then I broke down harder. It was a solid 30 minutes of tears and thoughts that just wouldn't stop. In the end the common denominator was the path of destruction alcohol had created in my life.

It got me to thinking, when was my first negative memory with alcohol? Can I see the progression?

I immediately thought back to being 10 years old. Our family reunion. A big one. I have only a few memories of it and one is my dad being completely hammered and being so belligerent and mean that he got in a fist-to-cuffs with my Grandpa (his father). I remember watching from behind someone, watching them swing at each other. I remember spending that evening at my parents friends house. They were like an aunt and uncle to me. I don't even know if my mom was there! I remember the "uncle" made us chicken noodle soup when we woke up. I have no concept of time in this memory but eventually we were home and I was walking up to the house and the sliding patio glass door had been ripped from it's frame and thrown out into the yard and there it lay broken. I big gaping hole opening our home. I don't recall any conversation about this. It just was and then we moved on and from there, I have many more memories...

• The fights, the screaming, the yelling during my childhood (that I carried into my adulthood...)
• My father's 3 year affair with another woman
• My parents vocal and physical fights
• My mother almost divorcing my father 
• My parents dysfunctional marriage kept together by what I can only tell - alcohol
• My early adulthood built upon events surrounding drinking
• Partying with my parents
• My first husband saying he thought we drank too much
• My affair
• My first divorce
• My second marriage to the one I had the affair with (and he also ended his marriage)
• My later adulthood built upon even MORE events surrounding drinking
• Partying with my parents
• My second husband saying he thought we drank too much
• My second husband's affair
• My second divorce
• Sleeping around
• Loss of friendships
• Falling in love with a man who didn't have a driver's license due to some old DUI charges
• The complete downfall of my "functioning alcoholic" father when he retired early (because financially he could) after being brought to the brink of death after escalating beyond 1.75 liters of vodka a day, every day.

This is just a short snip-it because the list in reality is much larger. It's more a book. After all...in the middle of that bullet pointed list is my life and as dismal as the list sounds, mixed in with it are some really great parts.

Thing is, none of those good parts in reality had to do with alcohol. I'm not saying I don't have any good memories drinking. Sure I have a ton of them. But those happy moments I've realized are not to the credit of alcohol. Those happy times are because of the frame of mind I was in or those I was around. The big sad ugly moments in that bullet point list, I feel I can directly give credit to alcohol. The role it's played for my dad, for my mom, for me, for my sister, for my ex-husbands, for my current significant other, for my friends, for my family & extended family...I don't "blame" alcohol but there is a significance in recognizing it's involvement, it's pattern, and ultimately it's path of destruction.

When I really sit down and think about it, it's destruction is EVERYWHERE and in EVERYONE. And whether you consume or not, you've most likely been touched by it.

It's these moments of clarity I'm so grateful for now and I'm humbly proud to say my personal path of destruction has ended. I know not everyone can say the same and it's for those, I pray.

much love, Codette