Image

I returned to work on Tuesday. My first day back after being off for 6 glorious weeks. I'm not lying when I say they were the best 6 weeks of my life. No worries, no stress. It was 6 weeks all about me. That isn't what this post is about though.

I had a co-worker come up to me yesterday. Someone I've worked with gosh, for probably 10 of my 17 years at this employer. We don't socialize out of work at all. We aren't FB friends or anything of that nature. It's normal co-worker type talk as we've been on many of the same projects and we've done a handful of work events together.

She comes up to me and says "Hey Codette, I got something I think you might like." I kind of hold my breath. Not to sound rude but this co-worker is strong type A personality all the way, pretty much completely opposite of me so when she says this I always doubt I'll like it.

She continues with, and invokes that emoji type face of confused or undecided. You know the one, not a smile or a frown but with the crooked mouth "well, you can't drink there but you might still like it."

That comment hit me and hard. While she continued to tell me what it was, that there is a local ceramics class starting in May, my focus was still back on the drinking comment. I wanted to clearly say out loud from a mountain "I don't drink anymore!!! How's that for good news?!" but instead muttered something like "well...I...well...its...well no drinking isn't of any concern."

So there I sat. That is my image to people. That I can't, won't, don't do anything without alcohol. At some level I suppose I did know I had done this to myself. At points I can say I was proud of it even. Three months ago I would have listened and IF (strong if) I would have even entertained the idea of going I'm sure I would have reached out to one of my drinking partners in crime and if they were interested we would have figured out a way to sneak booze in with us and have a grand time. I probably would have even bragged about it somewhere to someone and gotten some laughs.

But none the less, when something is no longer a part of you, and you realize peoples judgments or associations are no longer accurate (even if they are due to no action but your own) it hits you and not lightly.

Now, I didn't slide in to self hate (which was a nice surprise) but I did sink a bit into sadness. Sadness of how much of my beautiful self I've covered up with alcohol. How much of it really defined me to other people. How much it even defined me to MYSELF! There has been so much missed out on. All the times I was probably offered something along these lines and just passed them by or ignored them because "how lame to do anything with out drinking!" or "No way that intrudes on my drinking time!". All the times that I could have met new people or could have allowed someone to get to know me. All the times I could have possibly found a hobby or a new interest for me, for my soul. But instead, I consumed alcohol. All alone or at a bar. Either way that was all I did was drink.

I didn't wallow too long in my sadness. I gave myself an internal hug and remembered this is why I've done what I've done. This is why I've adopted the mantra of 'never question the decision' or 'nqtd' (thank you Holly of Hip Sobriety). It's why I had that acronym engraved on a bracelet along with the date of my decision that I never take off. I've done this all to grow, to get to know who I am, for others to get to know who I am, to remind myself I made this choice for a reason.

I looked up these ceramic classes. I'm going to do it. I might even do it by myself. Who knows.

What I do know is, I am in charge of my image and it's never to late to change, redefine, or create a different one.

love, Codette