Sometimes you are surprised, and not in a
good way, with the reaction of others to the news of "I'm no longer
drinking." I grew up in an alcohol fueled family, extended family and not
by any shock, created that life for me as an adult by making sure alcohol had
front and center stage when it came to friends, acquaintances and any event
(social or otherwise). Thankfully I had a lot of blogs to read about others
experiences so when I was confronted with these reactions, even though I was
still surprised, I wasn't shocked.
How does one get over the hurt of it
though? Or the frustration of it? In this case it's my mom. The woman who has
sacrificed so much for me. Gave birth to me. Who would still do anything for
me. Whom I will always love so very much.
She does not get it. Does. Not. Get. It.
Now I know people say others don't have
to, that this is about you and I know all that. And it isn't that I disagree.
But none the less it's hard...when it's your MOM.
I know she's dealt with so much the last
few years & I won't get into detail here but it would be enough for any
person, let alone a woman, to get severely depressed which is where she's at.
I broke the news to her very gently when
she came down to visit with me a few weeks ago. I shared with her the pain I
was in. The inner conflict. The addiction behavior. She said "See now I
don't get that. You sound like your dad." followed up with "I don't
think you really have a problem. I just think you are afraid of becoming your
dad." I looked at her and said "Well...either way, isn't that
enough?" She changed the subject and I was ok with it. I knew it was going
to have to sink in slowly.
5 days later another conversation around
the topic began. She wanted to confirm "So are you just done for now, like
doing like a month off sort of thing or are you DONE DONE, like NEVER
again?" I said "The goal is DONE DONE, like NEVER again." and I
again explained some of the stuff I was going through and what would happen if
I did drink again. She just looked at me, kinda gave a "hmmm" and
then changed the subject. Again, I was ok with this.
Last night I was on the phone with my
sister. We were talking about our concern for our mother. Lately her mood =
ornery crotchety old lady. We as a family went out for breakfast for my dad's
birthday. We've gathered together has a family 3 times in the last year and we
all live with in 10 miles of each other. She was the ornery crotchety old lady
to perfection the entire time. My sister & her had gotten together the
following day and her mood was the same. My sister said she brought up me not
drinking to her and my mom said with attitude "Yeah...what the hell is
that about anyway?". Uhhhhggg. Completely deflated. Kicked in the gut. How
disheartening. The courage and energy it took to have those discussions above
and to be completely not heard. What is so hard to get? What did I miss in my
communication to her? Why does it take so much explanation?
I read the books. I know what they say. I
understand what they say. Her reaction isn't about me. It's about her. Where
she's at in her life. She's judging alcohol's role in her life. Not just how
she uses it personally (which isn't often these days), but also how her husband
being an alcoholic has impacted her and her children.
I feel so sad for her. For the life she's
chosen for herself. For her inability to see she has the power to change it. I
sometimes get twinges of guilt for being where I am and "leaving her
behind". I know I feel that way because because I'm product of alcoholic
parents and it's embedded in me to take care of them, her specifically. To shield
her, protect her. I know she's feeling resentment because she feels "left
behind". I know it's part of the process.
I'm reminded of an excerpt I made note of
when I read Geneen Roth's "Women Food & God" about a year ago:
"...my resistance to the pain was
worse than the pain..."
This line continues to prove it's worth
over and over again. So, I'm going to post this blog about it. I'm going to
continue to talk to those closest to me about it. I'm even cry about it. The
significance for me this time around? Instead of numbing myself day after day
with alcohol, I'm going to allow myself to feel it. I KNOW it won't be even
half as painful as where I've been.
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