Fun?

Well I went to a St. Patrick’s Day party last night.

I would say St. Patrick’s Day had always been one of my favorites! Always so full of FUN! The perfect reasoning to go out, get DRUNK with the PLAN of being hung over the next day. Oh joy.

This particular party was a house party. I would say there are usually around 40-50 people that all congregate in a tight basement to drink, eat and watch a guy in a kilt play the bag pipes. This was the 4^th one I’ve attended.

The first one I was a year in post divorce and single. I stayed relatively low key because I had to teach Sunday School kids the next day. It’s also the night I met the man that is still a part of my life to this very day. Good good memories.

The next two years - Blackouts. One year was most likely caused by uncounted pints of Guinness, Irish Car Bombs, you name it, Codette drank it. The other year was most likely the 6 pack of some lovely strong dark beer that I felt ever so inclined to consume BEFORE going to the party. I THINK I lasted maybe 2 hours. I know I was facing people and talking with them but I have no clue what was said. Thank goodness we are only 1.5 blocks away so I know I walked home but I don’t recall getting home, going to bed, etc.

I think about all that now and I think “What on earth was wrong with me that I called all this a good time?” But I do know why. I believed I could only have fun if I had alcohol to consume. I believed I could only be liked and be fun if I had alcohol to consume. Honestly, what a dreadful belief to have about ones self. They are right when they say alcohol causes depression.

So about last night you are probably wondering. Well, here are some key things I got from the evening:

1)      I went. See last year I missed out on a lot of things like this. I felt horrible about myself and avoided people I hadn’t seen in a long time at all costs so I didn’t have to listen to the constant self abuse of “I’ve gained 40lbs since the last time they saw me 2 years ago. How horrible I must look. Man I’m such a piece of shit.” It was much easier to just stay home and drink to avoid it altogether. The action of not going at all then led into more self hatred “How will you ever hold on to friends if you never do anything with anyone anymore? You are so stupid.” So saying I went, was huge.

2)      My anxiety was NOTHING near what it has been in the past when I had my so called “liquid courage”. I just spent time in the moment. I didn’t run for the booze table as soon as I got there before anyone said a word to me. I didn’t self abuse myself with the usual “Gosh if I could only be like so-and-so. I wish my stomach looked like that <tug on shirt>.” This time I walked in feeling good about myself. I held my head high and kept reminding myself how fucking awesome I am.

3)      It was easier than I thought. Only the hosts knew I wasn’t going to be drinking and even they didn’t say anything. I prepared and brought my own NA beer and slipped it in a bottle coozie. No one asked “so what are you drinking?”. The offers of shots or a nice half & half were kindly declined and they simply moved on to the next person.

4)      I survived. I socialized just over 3 hours SOBER in a tight basement full of drunk people. I talked to quite a few people I hadn’t seen in a long time. It was ok but I’ll admit it was exhausting. I realized it’s not hard to get people to talk about themselves so I don’t have to speak much at all. Not that I’m opposed to speaking about myself but in context of “small talk” with acquaintances, it works and was a good discovery.

5)      I loved coming home on a Saturday night at 10:30pm and crawling into bed because I’m TIRED and not just because I needed to pass out.

6)      I loved waking up on a Sunday normally being able to toss some clothes on, make some coffee, go to the grocery store for the week and have that all done by 8:30am. A bonus, being able to go and have a nice breakfast with my man without having a hangover.

Overall I’d say it was a success! Some might think or say “ok, great to all of that BUT…did you have FUN?” I know that is what I would have thought/said.

Here is the thing, I’m not sure what kind of night it was. It wasn’t GREAT, it wasn’t HORRIBLE. I’m still not confident in this area of “social non-drinking”. I know for me it was a trial run. An experiment. Most of it was spent in what I call “analysis” mode. I know my idea of “fun” is shifting. Like I no longer believe that drinking to a point of blacking out is “fun”. If I’m honest at all, I’m not sure what “fun” is to me anymore.  

Maybe that sounds dreary to some but to me it’s full of hope and excitement! Again, I believe last night was a success on many different levels. I decided though I didn’t need to label how I felt about it. I am good with it as an overall experience. An experience as Clearheaded Codette and I can’t express how much peace that brings me.

with love, Codette