Firsts

We all have "firsts". Firsts are everywhere. Some planned, some not. First dance, first boyfriend, first kiss, first job, first child, first snow fall, first car, first house, first time seeing the ocean or a mountain. You get the idea. We cherish our firsts. However, when you start navigating life with out alcohol you get an entirely different set of firsts, firsts we typically fear or dread.

Today at 54 days AF I had my first REAL thought of "I could really use a drink!!!" Some might be saying "Reallly? 54 days and you just had that thought for the first time?" Trust me, I'm thankful but I almost questioned what was wrong with me because I didn't have the thought earlier. I chalked it up to the pink cloud, my bubble situation (read here), or just me being different. I'm not talking about a tiny thought you swat down like a weak fly. No, I'm talking about the one where the thought sticks. Where I envisioned a bottle, a glass, the taste and the FEELING of slipping into "numb". It was 8:05 AM.

Now of course I didn't drink. I won't. I know too much now. It's not just the addiction aspect of it but the substance itself is toxic to my living body. For more on that topic, watch this film:
-“My Name Was Bette: The Life and Death of an Alcoholic”
and/or read any of these books:
-Annie Grace “This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol: Find Freedom, Discover Happiness & Change Your Life”
-Jason Vale “Kick the Drink…Easily”
-Allen Carr “The easy way to control alcohol”.

But here I was having the thought. I was attempting to beat it down. "Stop it. You are being stupid, nothing is worth that, alcohol is the devil" or something super positive like that. The thought seemed to simmer down but it was still there...simmering.

So I told myself "Ok that isn't working...how about you just allow yourself to feel what you are feeling." Holy cats Batman, hold on to your seat! It went from simmer to rapid boil in no time and I broke down. I mean BROKE. DOWN. Heavy ugly cry. There was fear, shame, guilt and I wanted to run (escape)...so many things I hadn't felt in 54 days just came to the surface. The inner dialog was something like "I can't believe my thoughts "caved in" on me at the slightest bit of stress." I cried through it. It kept coming and I let it.

Then it just stopped. I wiped the tears, blew my nose and then more inner dialog like this surfaced: "But Codette, it's so many years of using alcohol against stress. There is nothing wrong with you. It's ok, you know you don't need to drink. You know it won't solve or help anything. You are just hurting right now. It will get better. This is just a moment. Maybe you should blog about this."

You see it wasn't about the alcohol at all. I had a fight with someone I love very much. It's actually already over with. There was no intentional harm meant by either party. It was one of those fights that really has no meaning or purpose at all. I sent off around 10 text messages "stating my case". First half in anger, second half in confusion. Then the thought to drink surfaced. Then the break down. Then the reflection.

I REALIZED the argument fueled feelings of my own self doubt. Am I not a trusting person? Am I selfish? Am I someone that wouldn't help someone in need? To be clear these things were not said - these were things I felt.

I ACKNOWLEDGED these feelings by allowing myself to feel them. I let the rapid boil happen. It was never about having the thought to drink. It was about the feelings I was wanting to avoid. Instead of numbing, I went THROUGH the feelings.

I INVESTIGATED what these feelings meant to me. They are in fact some of my fears that I have while I make changes in my life during my path to recovery. How can I be trusted when I haven't been honest with everyone about my drinking/not drinking? How can I be selfless when I have to focus on me right now? How can I help someone when they don't even ask or better yet when helping myself is enough for a day?

Then I just let my NATURAL state be. I know in my heart I am a trusting person. I know that working on myself doesn't equate to being selfish. I know just because someone doesn't ask for help, doesn't mean I am not someone who wouldn't help. The thought of drinking was LONG gone because again, that was never what it was about.

As I started typing out above how I processed through this first, I realized I basically processed with the RAIN Technique!!! Ahhh, the gift of an unknown first! (For anyone that isn't familiar with it read here.)

I had a good friend tell me about this technique over a year ago. I remember finding it extremely uncomfortable and I let it go as something that wouldn't work for me. But you know, when you have a back up like booze in your corner, you can guess what did the reasoning there. Today though, something clicked! I did this without even thinking about it!!! Out-freakin-standing!!!

So I had my first alcohol consumption thought. I had my first conscious thought of "I should blog about this" to help myself thru this moment. I unknowingly used the RAIN technique for the first time (and it worked!). And because of that, for the first time, I really believe that dealing with stress without alcohol is really easier.

Firsts really are everywhere. The firsts I've experienced while navigating life alcohol free are some of the best firsts of my life! Do not fear or dread them instead acknowledge them, accept them, learn from them and cherish them. They are just as important as any of your other firsts.

love, Codette