“You have memories today...”

Well here I am at 40 days. Beyond that significance, FB has decided to remind me I have memories to look back on today. I have to admit, these memories typically do not surface elated joy. They in turn provide moments of heavy introspection and today wasn’t any different.

It was 4 years ago today that I chose as an adult to get baptized at a non-denominational church I started going to in 2011 when I was going through my second divorce. I went every week. I never missed. Even if I was hung over, I went (and there were plenty of those times). I even started volunteering in their Sunday school program which was a huge step personally for me. That church I still believed saved me. However, as I type that, I haven’t stepped foot in that life saving church more than 4 times total in the last 2 years. I’ll get to why later...

The baptism memory might have been the only one on FB but it didn’t arrive solo in my head. I was immediately flooded with quite the selection of other interwoven memories from four ago...

1) It had been almost a year since my ex-husband asked me for a divorce. A horrible day obviously but what came from it is immeasurable growth and without him & his way of hurting me, I wouldn’t be where I am today and for that I’m thankful.

2) I had just booked my first “single trip” with a girlfriend to NYC, a place I had never been. The friend that I had known since kindergarten. The friend whom not only did we plan our class selections together in school, but also got our first job together at the same place. Minus three years when I moved away right after high school, we continued to do the same with our adult work selection. She was also the friend that got me into that life saving church. She is now the friend that I no longer speak to (due to my choice).

3) Little did I know I was 6 days away from meeting the most wonderful man I’ve ever met. I fought this union. That I was not ready. That this was too soon. The universe won. Almost 4 years later I’m still fortunate enough to have him as my partner in life, my best friend, my biggest cheerleader.

4) Last but not least I had just finished a 31 day alcohol free month to prove I didn’t have a problem. My longest stint alcohol-free up until today...

See I elected to take this 31 day abstinence after coming into work with yet another hangover. Feeling like, what I say, “complete ass”. I IM’d my girlfriend I mention above (as she was the one I was out with the night before) something like “I’m taking a month off of drinking, this is ridiculous! I’m sick and tired of feeling like this!” How she exactly replied I don’t recall but I recall something normal like “Really? A full month? You’re serious!?” and then when she understood that I was she said “I’m going to do it with you.” Now some might say what a great friend that is. For me, it was just one more thing in long line of things with her that could never be just mine. Anyway, that aside, I did it. On the 32^nd day my friend and I made sure to have our “first drink” together. Shocking.

Now, my drinking started early yet later than most. Besides the annual glass of Mogen David “communion wine” with large quantity of 50/50 soda on New Years Eve my mom allowed us as kids, I can count on one hand how many times my senior year of high school I drank. In fact, my senior year I shadowed an AODA counselor at a woman’s shelter as I was sure that is what I was going to do after graduation. My drinking didn’t become a “thing” until I met my first husband at 21. It was innocent enough. It’s something to do, it’s normal, it’s what you should be doing in your 20’s...especially in Wisconsin people! Plus I’m not like my parents. I enjoy life. My husband and I go out and do things! We don’t fight! We actually like each other! I was completely different! My parents were alcoholics and even though I know there are harder, tougher childhoods than mine, it still wasn’t pretty.

Even though I can look back now with a clear head and see alcohol was an issue long before 4 years ago (heck it was responsible for ending my first marriage and most likely my second), those 31 days off from drinking became my idol and I worshiped it for 4 years. I clung to it like my life depended on it. It was my proof I was ok. I was normal. I was "better than so & so". It ended up the beginning of the end. It was the true beginning of my grieving process with alcohol.

Before I go into the grieving process as it was for me, I’ve read from several sources recently to not “mourn” or grieve alcohol. It’s an enemy and no one should grieve an enemy, yadda yadda yadda. The thing is for me and how I viewed it (and this is the beautiful part of recovery in finding what works for you), it was ABSOLUTELY necessary. See, I didn’t realize (or want to admit) alcohol was an enemy until after I got to acceptance - the final step of the process. Here is how it looked for me:

Denial – I can take day’s off here or there with no issue. Heck I took a month off! Surely I have no issues!

Anger – Finding issues with will power on some of these non-drinking day vows. Why do I have so much going on? Bad day at work, can’t lose weight, my nose looks like Rudolf, it’s a great day, it’s someone’s birthday, it’s my birthday month...name the excuse. It was followed by a “Screw it! I’m fine! You only live once! Let’s go back to Denial. Whoohoo!”

Bargaining – Moderation! Oh if I can just keep myself in check I can keep this relationship. It’s a balancing act is all. Everything in moderation. I will change! Moderation doesn’t stick, back to Anger, then to Denial.

Depression – The guilt, the shame, the self loathing. This step I feel is the guaranteed result from the perpetual cycle of Bargaining, Denial, Anger.

Remember I spent YEARS stumbling around in these 4 stages. When I was in the denial stage I chose a different focus from alcohol. Why was I miserable at work, why was I lazy, why did I procrastinate, why did I have X health problem, why was I over weight. Sometimes life picked a focus for me. Work is making layoffs again, my parents are miserable in retirement, my sister is going through a divorce, my dad is killing himself with vodka, dad checks himself into rehab, dad plummets 6 months later into the vodka bottle again this time to the very brink of death...I could go on and on because it’s LIFE. I picked up self help books, went to therapy, read articles trying to fix what was wrong, or how to deal with everything going on. Usually over a bottle or two of wine, a Makers Mark Manhattan, a Jack and Coke, Gin Gimlets or a 6pk of nice IPA’s...whatever my palette felt like. I had no prejudice when it came to alcohol.

Now that alternate focus was not wasted. It’s like I was going through my basement or an old store room. Sifting through what to keep, what to toss, what to give away, maybe some of what I forgot I had that I should put out on display again. It was an amazing feeling. Merge and purge. And what happened? I cleared so much out of the way but there was still something not right. There was still one box left in the middle of the room. It was REALLY heavy! When I looked inside...it was alcohol. And I recall thinking “Shit.” and that is when I began to cry. HARD.

Acceptance – The final step. Now this isn’t simply knowing that the relationship with alcohol is toxic. Knowing comes in the beginning which is how the entire process begins. It’s ADMITTING that the relationship is toxic. ADMITTING it serves of no purpose to you & what you desire in life.

Fast forward to 40 days ago. That final step is where I got. I had found a blog called Hip Sobriety. I don’t even know how I came about it or even how long I had been reading it. I’m sure it was during my google search of “I quit drinking now what?” or “how to know if you should really quit drinking” or some other crap like that. The post "Afraid to Quit Drinking? "(here) was the first I recall. It's a great write up but it contained a 'circle exercise' and it was a game changer for me in this context. I wasn't new to the circle exercise. I had done them before in context to analyzing my friendships. Who is in my inner trust circle, my friends circle, my acquaintance circle,  and so on. It's the process I used to remove that long time girlfriend, I mention above, from my life. What I got from this variation is the only thing that had kept me from leading an alcohol free life was fear. It goes on to say that in order to get what we want, fear is just part of the journey to get to where we want to go. You can’t by-pass it. So, I had to add that to the acceptance bucket too.

So this is where I am. This is the thought process that came from my FB “you have memories today”. I may not attend that church but I haven't lost my faith. Quite the contrary. It’s because I feel my spirituality has surpassed it, if that makes sense. Like the church is just too small for how I believe now. It was the best foundation I could have selected but I’m still building.

with love, Codette

PS – Special thanks to Holly at Hip Sobriety for being the first blog I stumbled upon that gave me the hope that there is life sober and that it can be AMAZING. Ironically, I see her post this morning “How to start a (recovery) blog...” of course after my first post last night. I extend this thanks to everyone else that has also taken time to blog about their alcohol experience. I’ve grown my recovery toolbox with them and it’s because of all of you that I type today, 40 days FREE.