My First AA Meeting - After Thoughts

I recently found out that my new cubical neighbor at work is 20 years sober (her and her husband!). To say I was excited is putting it mildly! Up until now my sober community has all been online, which I’ve honestly been very comfortable with, but I thought how fun to actually have someone physically around me! So that being said, she invited me to my first AA meeting as a sober person.

Now, I’m at 88 days alcohol free today & honesty, I’m feeling and doing better than I ever could have imagined!!! I did consciously choose not to go to AA but I’m not against AA. I’ve been in and around that world since my teens due to my parents drinking. Alateen, Al-Anon and even AA with others as I got older. I even read the “Big Book”. I guess I just felt, from MY experiences, it wasn’t for ME.

I’ll be honest, my first thought was “uhhggg, I don’t know that I want to go.” but overall I decided it was a great opportunity to check it out, feeling safe and possibly create new friendships, so I went. The AA meeting was fine. It really wasn’t anything out of what I expected I guess. Lots of stories, lots of truth, lots of life exposed in those moments. One can really bare their soul there. I even knew a couple other people. Small world. I’ll most likely even go again.

Here is the thing, I don’t know that I CAN keep going. AA SEEMS to be a form of religion and there are some things I just CAN’T follow the herd on. Even if the ultimate goal is the same (to live a happy sober life), I’m starting to wonder, if I don’t follow their rules or share their beliefs, can I share the space there?

For instance, I don’t feel any need to say “Hi I’m Codette and I’m an alcoholic.” I don’t say that to sound pretentious. I’m just not willing to give myself a label like that. I don’t think it’s fair to myself. Not because I didn’t have an issue with alcohol but how “alcoholic” is viewed and defined. I don’t believe I have any disease or an “allergy”. I do believe that alcohol is an addictive substance. One that changes your brain function. You can put it in any drug category for me. Just because it’s legal or socially acceptable does not make it less harmless. It isn’t ME, it’s the alcohol.

I could go into my why I feel so deeply but I don’t think I can say it better than Annie Grace from “This Naked Mind” or Holly from HipSobriety. I don’t know that I would have been able wrap  my mind around quitting without them. The stigma around being an “alcoholic” is so dismal and dooming. I don’t get why slapping a label on me after I QUIT drinking helps my process. Where quitting drinking is enough of a task without having to put a label on it that makes you feel even less empowered. I mean in reality I’d feel more apt to take the “alcoholic” sickness/disease title when I was still drinking! But after? No. I was a drinker. I’m a non-drinker now. That’s it.

I don’t know what I can accredit my path to. Is it the blogs I found? The books I’ve read? The hard mental pain I went through the last 7 years trying to “moderate”? Watching my Dad almost die? Seeing my mom become someone I didn’t know or care to be around? Seeing my friends get DUI’s? Having health issues directly associated with drinking? Was it that I caught myself early enough? That maybe getting off my elevator before hitting rock bottom has allowed this process to be easier? Maybe it’s all these things or none of these things. Who knows? Either way I’m grateful 100% and I love love love how absolutely FREE I feel.  

I don’t say all this to anger or frustrate anyone that lives and breaths AA. I support the AA movement just as much as I support my own. I would never discourage anyone from doing what works to keep them sober. Maybe AA is what it is because it’s has a defined path for those who have had a different experience than myself? All I know, is from my vantage point, AA isn’t the ONLY way. Just because you don’t choose AA – it doesn’t mean you’ll fail but likewise just because you choose it, doesn’t mean you’ll be successful either. I fully believe each path is unique and each individual has to figure out the right path for themselves.

much love, Codette

Path of destruction

It's been a while since I last wrote/typed. I'll admit, it wasn't all due to lack of time but I struggled with WHAT to put down. I decided what that meant for ME is I was in a good place so I let it be. This week I've been chewing on something that happened last weekend...

I woke up last Saturday morning and on my way down the hallway I was struck by thoughts of my dogs that I had left behind in my divorce 5 years ago. I don't know where the thought came from but I thought of their cute little faces and I started crying. And I couldn't stop. At all.

The thoughts went from my dogs, to that marriage, to how that marriage became in the first place and then I broke down harder. It was a solid 30 minutes of tears and thoughts that just wouldn't stop. In the end the common denominator was the path of destruction alcohol had created in my life.

It got me to thinking, when was my first negative memory with alcohol? Can I see the progression?

I immediately thought back to being 10 years old. Our family reunion. A big one. I have only a few memories of it and one is my dad being completely hammered and being so belligerent and mean that he got in a fist-to-cuffs with my Grandpa (his father). I remember watching from behind someone, watching them swing at each other. I remember spending that evening at my parents friends house. They were like an aunt and uncle to me. I don't even know if my mom was there! I remember the "uncle" made us chicken noodle soup when we woke up. I have no concept of time in this memory but eventually we were home and I was walking up to the house and the sliding patio glass door had been ripped from it's frame and thrown out into the yard and there it lay broken. I big gaping hole opening our home. I don't recall any conversation about this. It just was and then we moved on and from there, I have many more memories...

• The fights, the screaming, the yelling during my childhood (that I carried into my adulthood...)
• My father's 3 year affair with another woman
• My parents vocal and physical fights
• My mother almost divorcing my father 
• My parents dysfunctional marriage kept together by what I can only tell - alcohol
• My early adulthood built upon events surrounding drinking
• Partying with my parents
• My first husband saying he thought we drank too much
• My affair
• My first divorce
• My second marriage to the one I had the affair with (and he also ended his marriage)
• My later adulthood built upon even MORE events surrounding drinking
• Partying with my parents
• My second husband saying he thought we drank too much
• My second husband's affair
• My second divorce
• Sleeping around
• Loss of friendships
• Falling in love with a man who didn't have a driver's license due to some old DUI charges
• The complete downfall of my "functioning alcoholic" father when he retired early (because financially he could) after being brought to the brink of death after escalating beyond 1.75 liters of vodka a day, every day.

This is just a short snip-it because the list in reality is much larger. It's more a book. After all...in the middle of that bullet pointed list is my life and as dismal as the list sounds, mixed in with it are some really great parts.

Thing is, none of those good parts in reality had to do with alcohol. I'm not saying I don't have any good memories drinking. Sure I have a ton of them. But those happy moments I've realized are not to the credit of alcohol. Those happy times are because of the frame of mind I was in or those I was around. The big sad ugly moments in that bullet point list, I feel I can directly give credit to alcohol. The role it's played for my dad, for my mom, for me, for my sister, for my ex-husbands, for my current significant other, for my friends, for my family & extended family...I don't "blame" alcohol but there is a significance in recognizing it's involvement, it's pattern, and ultimately it's path of destruction.

When I really sit down and think about it, it's destruction is EVERYWHERE and in EVERYONE. And whether you consume or not, you've most likely been touched by it.

It's these moments of clarity I'm so grateful for now and I'm humbly proud to say my personal path of destruction has ended. I know not everyone can say the same and it's for those, I pray.

much love, Codette

Image

I returned to work on Tuesday. My first day back after being off for 6 glorious weeks. I'm not lying when I say they were the best 6 weeks of my life. No worries, no stress. It was 6 weeks all about me. That isn't what this post is about though.

I had a co-worker come up to me yesterday. Someone I've worked with gosh, for probably 10 of my 17 years at this employer. We don't socialize out of work at all. We aren't FB friends or anything of that nature. It's normal co-worker type talk as we've been on many of the same projects and we've done a handful of work events together.

She comes up to me and says "Hey Codette, I got something I think you might like." I kind of hold my breath. Not to sound rude but this co-worker is strong type A personality all the way, pretty much completely opposite of me so when she says this I always doubt I'll like it.

She continues with, and invokes that emoji type face of confused or undecided. You know the one, not a smile or a frown but with the crooked mouth "well, you can't drink there but you might still like it."

That comment hit me and hard. While she continued to tell me what it was, that there is a local ceramics class starting in May, my focus was still back on the drinking comment. I wanted to clearly say out loud from a mountain "I don't drink anymore!!! How's that for good news?!" but instead muttered something like "well...I...well...its...well no drinking isn't of any concern."

So there I sat. That is my image to people. That I can't, won't, don't do anything without alcohol. At some level I suppose I did know I had done this to myself. At points I can say I was proud of it even. Three months ago I would have listened and IF (strong if) I would have even entertained the idea of going I'm sure I would have reached out to one of my drinking partners in crime and if they were interested we would have figured out a way to sneak booze in with us and have a grand time. I probably would have even bragged about it somewhere to someone and gotten some laughs.

But none the less, when something is no longer a part of you, and you realize peoples judgments or associations are no longer accurate (even if they are due to no action but your own) it hits you and not lightly.

Now, I didn't slide in to self hate (which was a nice surprise) but I did sink a bit into sadness. Sadness of how much of my beautiful self I've covered up with alcohol. How much of it really defined me to other people. How much it even defined me to MYSELF! There has been so much missed out on. All the times I was probably offered something along these lines and just passed them by or ignored them because "how lame to do anything with out drinking!" or "No way that intrudes on my drinking time!". All the times that I could have met new people or could have allowed someone to get to know me. All the times I could have possibly found a hobby or a new interest for me, for my soul. But instead, I consumed alcohol. All alone or at a bar. Either way that was all I did was drink.

I didn't wallow too long in my sadness. I gave myself an internal hug and remembered this is why I've done what I've done. This is why I've adopted the mantra of 'never question the decision' or 'nqtd' (thank you Holly of Hip Sobriety). It's why I had that acronym engraved on a bracelet along with the date of my decision that I never take off. I've done this all to grow, to get to know who I am, for others to get to know who I am, to remind myself I made this choice for a reason.

I looked up these ceramic classes. I'm going to do it. I might even do it by myself. Who knows.

What I do know is, I am in charge of my image and it's never to late to change, redefine, or create a different one.

love, Codette

Fun?

Well I went to a St. Patrick’s Day party last night.

I would say St. Patrick’s Day had always been one of my favorites! Always so full of FUN! The perfect reasoning to go out, get DRUNK with the PLAN of being hung over the next day. Oh joy.

This particular party was a house party. I would say there are usually around 40-50 people that all congregate in a tight basement to drink, eat and watch a guy in a kilt play the bag pipes. This was the 4^th one I’ve attended.

The first one I was a year in post divorce and single. I stayed relatively low key because I had to teach Sunday School kids the next day. It’s also the night I met the man that is still a part of my life to this very day. Good good memories.

The next two years - Blackouts. One year was most likely caused by uncounted pints of Guinness, Irish Car Bombs, you name it, Codette drank it. The other year was most likely the 6 pack of some lovely strong dark beer that I felt ever so inclined to consume BEFORE going to the party. I THINK I lasted maybe 2 hours. I know I was facing people and talking with them but I have no clue what was said. Thank goodness we are only 1.5 blocks away so I know I walked home but I don’t recall getting home, going to bed, etc.

I think about all that now and I think “What on earth was wrong with me that I called all this a good time?” But I do know why. I believed I could only have fun if I had alcohol to consume. I believed I could only be liked and be fun if I had alcohol to consume. Honestly, what a dreadful belief to have about ones self. They are right when they say alcohol causes depression.

So about last night you are probably wondering. Well, here are some key things I got from the evening:

1)      I went. See last year I missed out on a lot of things like this. I felt horrible about myself and avoided people I hadn’t seen in a long time at all costs so I didn’t have to listen to the constant self abuse of “I’ve gained 40lbs since the last time they saw me 2 years ago. How horrible I must look. Man I’m such a piece of shit.” It was much easier to just stay home and drink to avoid it altogether. The action of not going at all then led into more self hatred “How will you ever hold on to friends if you never do anything with anyone anymore? You are so stupid.” So saying I went, was huge.

2)      My anxiety was NOTHING near what it has been in the past when I had my so called “liquid courage”. I just spent time in the moment. I didn’t run for the booze table as soon as I got there before anyone said a word to me. I didn’t self abuse myself with the usual “Gosh if I could only be like so-and-so. I wish my stomach looked like that <tug on shirt>.” This time I walked in feeling good about myself. I held my head high and kept reminding myself how fucking awesome I am.

3)      It was easier than I thought. Only the hosts knew I wasn’t going to be drinking and even they didn’t say anything. I prepared and brought my own NA beer and slipped it in a bottle coozie. No one asked “so what are you drinking?”. The offers of shots or a nice half & half were kindly declined and they simply moved on to the next person.

4)      I survived. I socialized just over 3 hours SOBER in a tight basement full of drunk people. I talked to quite a few people I hadn’t seen in a long time. It was ok but I’ll admit it was exhausting. I realized it’s not hard to get people to talk about themselves so I don’t have to speak much at all. Not that I’m opposed to speaking about myself but in context of “small talk” with acquaintances, it works and was a good discovery.

5)      I loved coming home on a Saturday night at 10:30pm and crawling into bed because I’m TIRED and not just because I needed to pass out.

6)      I loved waking up on a Sunday normally being able to toss some clothes on, make some coffee, go to the grocery store for the week and have that all done by 8:30am. A bonus, being able to go and have a nice breakfast with my man without having a hangover.

Overall I’d say it was a success! Some might think or say “ok, great to all of that BUT…did you have FUN?” I know that is what I would have thought/said.

Here is the thing, I’m not sure what kind of night it was. It wasn’t GREAT, it wasn’t HORRIBLE. I’m still not confident in this area of “social non-drinking”. I know for me it was a trial run. An experiment. Most of it was spent in what I call “analysis” mode. I know my idea of “fun” is shifting. Like I no longer believe that drinking to a point of blacking out is “fun”. If I’m honest at all, I’m not sure what “fun” is to me anymore.  

Maybe that sounds dreary to some but to me it’s full of hope and excitement! Again, I believe last night was a success on many different levels. I decided though I didn’t need to label how I felt about it. I am good with it as an overall experience. An experience as Clearheaded Codette and I can’t express how much peace that brings me.

with love, Codette

Firsts

We all have "firsts". Firsts are everywhere. Some planned, some not. First dance, first boyfriend, first kiss, first job, first child, first snow fall, first car, first house, first time seeing the ocean or a mountain. You get the idea. We cherish our firsts. However, when you start navigating life with out alcohol you get an entirely different set of firsts, firsts we typically fear or dread.

Today at 54 days AF I had my first REAL thought of "I could really use a drink!!!" Some might be saying "Reallly? 54 days and you just had that thought for the first time?" Trust me, I'm thankful but I almost questioned what was wrong with me because I didn't have the thought earlier. I chalked it up to the pink cloud, my bubble situation (read here), or just me being different. I'm not talking about a tiny thought you swat down like a weak fly. No, I'm talking about the one where the thought sticks. Where I envisioned a bottle, a glass, the taste and the FEELING of slipping into "numb". It was 8:05 AM.

Now of course I didn't drink. I won't. I know too much now. It's not just the addiction aspect of it but the substance itself is toxic to my living body. For more on that topic, watch this film:
-“My Name Was Bette: The Life and Death of an Alcoholic”
and/or read any of these books:
-Annie Grace “This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol: Find Freedom, Discover Happiness & Change Your Life”
-Jason Vale “Kick the Drink…Easily”
-Allen Carr “The easy way to control alcohol”.

But here I was having the thought. I was attempting to beat it down. "Stop it. You are being stupid, nothing is worth that, alcohol is the devil" or something super positive like that. The thought seemed to simmer down but it was still there...simmering.

So I told myself "Ok that isn't working...how about you just allow yourself to feel what you are feeling." Holy cats Batman, hold on to your seat! It went from simmer to rapid boil in no time and I broke down. I mean BROKE. DOWN. Heavy ugly cry. There was fear, shame, guilt and I wanted to run (escape)...so many things I hadn't felt in 54 days just came to the surface. The inner dialog was something like "I can't believe my thoughts "caved in" on me at the slightest bit of stress." I cried through it. It kept coming and I let it.

Then it just stopped. I wiped the tears, blew my nose and then more inner dialog like this surfaced: "But Codette, it's so many years of using alcohol against stress. There is nothing wrong with you. It's ok, you know you don't need to drink. You know it won't solve or help anything. You are just hurting right now. It will get better. This is just a moment. Maybe you should blog about this."

You see it wasn't about the alcohol at all. I had a fight with someone I love very much. It's actually already over with. There was no intentional harm meant by either party. It was one of those fights that really has no meaning or purpose at all. I sent off around 10 text messages "stating my case". First half in anger, second half in confusion. Then the thought to drink surfaced. Then the break down. Then the reflection.

I REALIZED the argument fueled feelings of my own self doubt. Am I not a trusting person? Am I selfish? Am I someone that wouldn't help someone in need? To be clear these things were not said - these were things I felt.

I ACKNOWLEDGED these feelings by allowing myself to feel them. I let the rapid boil happen. It was never about having the thought to drink. It was about the feelings I was wanting to avoid. Instead of numbing, I went THROUGH the feelings.

I INVESTIGATED what these feelings meant to me. They are in fact some of my fears that I have while I make changes in my life during my path to recovery. How can I be trusted when I haven't been honest with everyone about my drinking/not drinking? How can I be selfless when I have to focus on me right now? How can I help someone when they don't even ask or better yet when helping myself is enough for a day?

Then I just let my NATURAL state be. I know in my heart I am a trusting person. I know that working on myself doesn't equate to being selfish. I know just because someone doesn't ask for help, doesn't mean I am not someone who wouldn't help. The thought of drinking was LONG gone because again, that was never what it was about.

As I started typing out above how I processed through this first, I realized I basically processed with the RAIN Technique!!! Ahhh, the gift of an unknown first! (For anyone that isn't familiar with it read here.)

I had a good friend tell me about this technique over a year ago. I remember finding it extremely uncomfortable and I let it go as something that wouldn't work for me. But you know, when you have a back up like booze in your corner, you can guess what did the reasoning there. Today though, something clicked! I did this without even thinking about it!!! Out-freakin-standing!!!

So I had my first alcohol consumption thought. I had my first conscious thought of "I should blog about this" to help myself thru this moment. I unknowingly used the RAIN technique for the first time (and it worked!). And because of that, for the first time, I really believe that dealing with stress without alcohol is really easier.

Firsts really are everywhere. The firsts I've experienced while navigating life alcohol free are some of the best firsts of my life! Do not fear or dread them instead acknowledge them, accept them, learn from them and cherish them. They are just as important as any of your other firsts.

love, Codette

I am fucking awesome!

Today I am happy. I am joyful. I am strong. I am grateful. I am fucking awesome! It's been this way almost every day since I said I was done with alcohol! This is not how I would have EVER described myself 47 days ago or any day prior to that.

I have dinner plans 'out' tonight. It's the first one in over a month. It's out to dinner (minus one common person) with people I've never even met! And, I'm not worried at all! I can't explain how good that feels. I just have a feeling in my soul that I'll be fine!

I had alcohol in my life because I thought it made things easier. In fact it was living with alcohol that made everything so difficult. I couldn't even see it when I was in it. It's like any dysfunctional relationship. When you are in it you think "What would I ever do without them/it?!" and when you are out of it you think "How on earth did I last so long being so miserable?! I didn't even know myself!"

I seriously wish I could get everyone struggling today to understand the joy that is felt from removing alcohol from your life. The self empowerment fires and all of a sudden anything seems possible. I have never been a "doer". I've been afraid of failure my entire life. I've lived in the shadows just "existing". I made just enough effort to survive but not anymore to stand out or be noticed. My becoming a non-drinker is by far the biggest decision I've ever made. I went into it with "IF I ever drink again, it will be my choice." I was not willing to be driven by some craving, by some drug. I believed (and still do with all my heart) I'm stronger than that. And believing you are capable is half the battle in my opinion.

If you feel the itch to drink allow entertaining the IDEA or the THOUGHT of it. But not just entertaining "the one", not just the seduction of it. Force yourself to entertain the ENTIRE thing. Like 24 hours worth of this shit. Keep going beyond the first sip. If you don't feel guilt right then acknowledge you'll have more than "the one" because "Well, I am off now, might as well do it right cause who knows when I'll do this again". So more likely than not, being honest with yourself, that night turns into drunkenness. The morning after, not drinking in so long but drinking without abandon like you never gave it up (again most likely - you didn't just get on the sober train in the first because you were miserable having just "the one"),  you will have a hang over. You will feel immediate remorse, you will beat yourself up, you will think about your "day count" now going back to zero, you will feel immense shame, you will feel depressed, you will hate yourself. If you can crawl out of that (which is the hardest part in my opinion) going "forget it, it was just once" and you go right back to sober town, great but more likely than not, again, you'll have another drink that day.

Before ever taking a sip you have to really honestly ask yourself why you think the drink will make the experience of your situation any better. Is drinking ethanol, something your body considers poison, worth it? Is numbing the anxiety? Is the "fitting in"? Is the fear? Is any of it worth the self hatred you will feel after you "indulge"?

Think about it opposite now. Isn't it so much more empowering to say "No!" and reflect upon it later and say "Wow, I am fucking awesome!"

Have a great weekend everyone!

love, Codette

Take off those blinders!

I have to vent/rant. I posted this on a sober living community I'm a part of  (http://www.livingsober.org.nz/) but I felt this is a good place for it as well. 

I’ve found being sober can really open your eyes. If there is anything more frustrating it’s the deceit that television delivers in regards to alcohol. I’ve been getting good with letting it roll off & almost laughing at it all but last night it had me worked up.

I was watching House of Cards. I love the actors, love the characters, love the show. And even though I’m frustrated, I’ll still watch the dang show.

**POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT**
Episode 46. Frank (Kevin Spacey) is recovering from almost dying. Long story short, he ended up having a liver transplant to live. In a matter of an episode he’s back to his sinister ways but towards the end of this episode he gets frustrated, walks away fuming a bit and his wife (Robin Wright) follows him. She asks him to talk to her and during the dialog she is, not shitting you, pouring him a shot of what has been deemed some form of alcohol throughout the show. ALCOHOL – just after a LIVER TRANSPLANT. The ironic thing. I didn’t really catch it at that moment. It took going into Episode 47 when the wife catches Frank smoking a cigarette and scolds him, with something to the effect of “Francis, you really shouldn’t…”. It struck me like a bolt of lightning. Wait, wait, WAIT…you just poured and served him ALCOHOL after a LIVER TRANSPLANT but SMOKING is a no-no!?!?!!? Just WOW. Now I understand it’s a TV show but it’s those exact types of subliminal messages that sneak in and create such madness for many of us unconsciously.

And that is just the subliminal messaging. Here is a commercial by Campbell's Soup that just puts it out there blatantly.

This is exactly what I've read about in Alice Grace's "This Naked Mind Control Alcohol: Find Freedom, Discover Happiness & Change your Life", Allen Carr's "The easy way to control alcohol" and Jason Vale's "Kick the Drink...Easily". We have to change our unconscious & conscious mind due to these very things we see day in and day out. TV, Social Media - let alone just the people, places and things around us! I always thought "Well I live in Wisconsin. We drink here. I got the bad luck of being born here." I felt I was different and doomed because of my location. But then I start reading other's recovery blogs. These are blogs from ALL OVER THE WORLD and everyone describes how much of alcohol is just a part of their culture. Thing is, it's EVERYWHERE. Absolutely fucking EVERYWHERE. We need to make sure to watch out for it and be aware of it so we are not allowed to be seduced back in. Those books I reference have helped extremely in that regard. 

How can we change it ALL OVER THE WORLD though? That seems like such a daunting task that it makes me want to hide my head in the ground. Thing is if they did it for smoking, it can happen for alcohol. It takes people. People like you and I. People one by one to read about it, to talk about it, to share it, to believe in it. I no longer have my blinders on. So maybe my goal is to just get one other person to take theirs off.

And that is how it happens. One by one. Who can you reach?

Have a stupendous day everyone!

love, Codette